Well it seems you all got your wish- sadly I opened my eyes this morning, meaning my heart hadn’t given up on me during the night.
I still don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like jumping off something very high but apparently there are survival rates unless you land on your head. Great news, thanks internet. Guaranteed I would be that one landing on my legs.
Today I am supposed to function normally- I think so far I am doing well. I feel numb. Thanks to my blades again. I have missed this, not being on the rollercoaster of stupid feelings. No happiness, no excitement, no pain, just blessed numbness. I think I am going mad again, but that’s where I was destined to be all along.
Suicide is on the cards still. The dark passenger wants to know how long I’m going to (their words, not mine, particularly his words today) ‘dick around’ for. I’ve told them all I need a decent time to do it, but they’re insistent. Well, it doesn’t matter what I think anyway. I’ve always known I was going to die and they knew it too- they were biding my time, letting me have my little fantasy of recovery. Now that’s over, I’m actually kind of relieved. I can just wink out of existence and the dark passenger will finally be happy.