Life has thrown a lot at me recently. I know that it’s me healing, and I am beginning to realise that there’s a lot of healing I hadn’t done. I’d thrown it aside, left it somewhere, buried it deep inside and pretended I didn’t need any of the feelings that went with it.
Being with the Dutchman is a rollercoaster ride. It’s just incredible. I am still having a lot of fun, still enjoying every second, but it’s also teaching me a lot about myself.
The other parts of me, 14, 15 and 19, are as much in love as I am. He gives us all strength to try out new things, to discover what we have been missing for so long.
None of us believed it was possible to fall in love this deeply and still retain your autonomy, but here we all are. We feel free, able to do things we never thought possible. For instance, we flew out to see him at the end of November, and had four wonderful days with him. We learned that we have all been lied to more times than we realised, and now it’s quite clear that we will not be lied to again.
Fourteen was taught that saying no doesn’t work, so we learned not to say it. Fifteen was taught that sex and nakedness lead to hurt and pain, so she learned to pretend that everything was ok and lock all the hurt away. Nineteen learned that showing pain lead to more hurt, so she acted like she was enjoying herself when she was really so dissociated that she wasn’t really there.
As for me? I’m over these hurts, past a lot of these pains, but they aren’t. They want to be, however. The Dutchman is helping us all get there- we each tell him something that we want, or that we can’t handle right now, and he helps us. For example, fifteen is intensely nervous about talking her clothes off. She wants to, but gets very scared. The Dutchman has helped already with that- he said she should only do whatever she feels comfortable with.
Consent is the biggest rule here for us all, and he shares that. He wants us to grow and not stay stuck, which is scary- we want to as well, but of course, that involves us stepping outside of our comfort zones. That’s the scary part. I feel their emotions, so I’m often thrown into turmoil as they are. They work themselves into knots wishing to be more normal, more like me. I’ve told them I had a lot of practice with J, but they’re impatient to get past the awkwardness and learn how to feel without feeling guilty.
We are all excited today. Today, we fly to see him again, and all of us are bursting with happiness- not only do we see him, but tomorrow, we all get on a plane to head to Las Vegas!
The reason behind this is because the Dutchman had booked to go a while back, after having had an amazing trip there the year before. We were just going to let him go alone there again, whilst feeling anxious… But, he saw our anxiety and offered for us to go with him.
Well, I had saved a lot of money for a relationship that had sadly become a friendship, and now there was a lovely man with me asking me please, could I go with him on the trip of a lifetime? The same lovely man that flew out for Christmas and New Year, who gets on well with my family and the insiders, who sees us for what we really are and loves us all.
I had to say yes!
I suspect that a lot of healing will continue to happen as the week goes on. I know that dates will happen, that incredible experiences will be had and good people will be met. This has happened every time we have got together. I personally remember this same scaredness from when I started seeing J: I was worried I would tar him with the same brush as my ex, I was frightened of how much I felt. I keep reassuring the younger ones that it’s part of healing. We have read it in so many blogs, that same feeling. Nineteen’s- she does it to look out for us.
The thing is, this trip will definitely prove it to at least one of the younger ones that we are in a moving relationship, something that travels as fast as we all do. It’s going to help us. I feel like all of us finally have someone who understands us completely, someone who’s not afraid to embrace all of us. Someone who will stop any sex if one of us but says a word and just cuddle instead. Someone who has stopped panic attacks, someone who has held us when we cried, stayed on the phone for countless hours talking and having fun.
This is right. This is what we have all wanted.
We all just need to believe, and trust me, we’re getting there at light speed.