About me

Hi, I’m Stark. I am English, female, and a slate short. I have suffered with undiagnosed depression since I was about twelve or thirteen, and I’m now twenty four.

This blog was created so that I could finally write with completely no censorship about how I see the world- it was supposed to be a coping tool. I have already met some good people here, and I appreciate every like, follow or comment because it means that when I feel like the most awful person on the planet, I can see that someone understood me. Even just taking five minutes to read a bit of what I have written matters.

I don’t mind who you are, what you do for a living or where you come from, but thank you so much for stopping by. You are very kind to read the rantings of a crazed girl.

Brief outline of my life story:

I’m a professional ballet dancer. After the horrible stress of GCSEs, I left normal school and went to ballet school. I’d taken up with an abusive boyfriend- very sociopathic and manipulative. I had a breakdown at ballet school, ran away, and was kicked out for being crazy. The boyfriend did not support me in any way.
I spent two years at another ballet school, which was better. I managed to get a place in a ballet company that was attached to a school, which was great, although I still had my bouts of depression, and I was manipulated away from my family a lot.
When I graduated from there, I had no job for a year. I auditioned for ballet and contemporary companies, and got nowhere. My boyfriend practically lived with me, and the manipulation and abuse got worse. Very much worse.
I left him, finally, after nearly six years. Other sad things happened, and now I’m back in the depths again. I am desperate to get out.

I hope whatever you read here helps and doesn’t trigger or hinder you. I am going to try and post something more positive when I feel that way.

Thank you for reading.

36 comments on “About me

  1. JayNine says:

    Hello there, I just read two of your last posts, 1 was bad day & 2 was the dancing class post with girl you teach … I have found your blog through a followers list. Good to find you. I am moved by your shares. I can relate alot. I wanted to post a comment but I was afraid to say the wrong thing? Lol. I do that! Maybe I could email you? Or i can post regardless…? My Contact Box will be up soon on my blog; soon as I figure out how to add it to my pages list; if you ever need to talk…Im a mom of two girls who has a dark youth–20 somethings of my own to share. I will keep up with your blog ttys and I wish you well. Jeanine H

    • Hi- of course I don’t mind you getting in touch, I really appreciate it. It’s totally fine to post a comment or you can email me- either way, I’m really grateful. Thanks for taking time to read the rantings of a crazy girl.

  2. I have just nominated you for a Liebster award. Not because I want to kiss your ass. Not because I want you to nominate me back. Not because I want to hijack your followers.

    I just want your OPINIONS, so answer the damn questions, OK?!

    You don’t have to pass it on if you don’t want to. I won’t blame you. This shit took me HOURS!

    Big love

    SSxx

  3. leftylola says:

    I’ve nominated you for the Shine On Award. You deserve it. You’re a fighter. We all are. ❤ http://tellmeyourworstnightmare.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/shine-on-award/

    • Thank you hun! That’s so kind 🙂 I will eventually try to reply to them all, I know that I have another one I should have replied to… thanks again, having a flashback-ful night and I needed to hear that x

  4. I just popped back in to let you know I am thinking about you today. How are you doing?

  5. May I ask how old you are? I’m loving the blog.

  6. Fellow crazy bird, you are being given the Sunshine Award, whether you like it or not!

    I don’t mind if you don’t want to pass it on, but would love to know your answers, so please ping any back to me! x
    http://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/here-comes-the-sun/

  7. desdemoaner says:

    I like your blog and I really empathise with the disgust at the hateful ‘personality disorder’ insult. I’m too tired now to go into it in detail, but I also got branded with this spiteful label. Our personalities are us – that’s who we are and to say that our personality is disordered is to say we are flawed as humans, second rate people. When someone says a person has a personality disorder or supports the label they are being spiteful and vindictive – and they know it. No excuses, they know what they are doing. It is a label that has destroyed many people and those of us who have survived need to keep campaigning to get it abolished to something less personal and damning.

    • I’m seriously thinking of getting a proper, well-researched campaign going. I don’t want this destroying anyone else. If my puppy thinks I’m a good person (and she’s goddamn picky) then I think others agree, and that’s good enough for me. No shrink has any business telling me I’m disordered after NOT living through what I had to endure. x

  8. Thank you for addressing such difficult issues. You are shining bright light on topics people often fear to mention.

  9. emotionsz91 says:

    Hi Stark,

    I wanted to see how you were holding up. You wrote me about two months ago about therapy and I thought it was really sweet of you. To talk about your experience with me somewhat was really great of you. I wanted to know how it was going for you since you said in September that you guys were going to get down to business about it lolsz. Let me know how your doing. Have a great day.

    EMoTiONSz

    • Hi! so nice to hear from you again!
      Therapy is tough but going well, I think that it’s most easily demonstrated that it’s helping me when I have to miss a week. I feel depressed and lethargic and suffer from waaaaay more nightmares, and feel tearful a lot. When I’ve had therapy, it feels like I am a shaken-up soda bottle that’s been opened- the pressure is off and the relief is tangible. I love that my therapist helps my dissociated parts feel safer, and she is working to help me process my trauma. I hope you are feeling ok and that you are doing well yourself. x

      • emotionsz91 says:

        Hi Stark,

        I am so glad it is helping you. Feeling that way is not good at all and I know exactly how that feels. When you fall down into that hole its hard to get out. I am so glad that you can get the pressure off. Your therapist is working wonders and its great that she is helping you so much, that is all that matters that you are healing. I am doing okay. Therapy is going and my therapist is good. We are working to getting me out of my comfort zone to entering the social world again. It’s not easy when you are scared to be around others and to trust. But we are getting there little by little. So happy that you are doing well and keep at it. The most important thing right now is yourself. xo

        EMoTiONSz

      • I think that trust is so vital to anyone who suffers from a mental health problem. Nine times out of ten, most people suffering from a mental health problem have haad their trust in others violated in some way. I have felt distrustful of everyone too, and felt horribly guilty about it, but having my friends, my doctor and certain mental health practitioners believe me, listen to me and support me has made a huge difference in me learning to trust again. I hope the same thing happens for you and that therapy keeps helping you like it is doing for me. x

      • emotionsz91 says:

        Hi, so sorry I am late to reply. I understand what you mean 100%. Its not east to trust again and no one would blame you. I just don’t really trust anyone except for my cousins. Its sad really but true. Therapy is going and I am so glad that you are taking that step into trusting again. I think I still to work on some things and I will be there. Thanks so much for keeping in touch. Hope all is well. Wishing you the best. xoxo

        EMoTiONSz

  10. bdlheart says:

    I understand the pain of school, athletics and debilitating depression-or what I understood later to be PTSD. I struggled to finish school and had a breakdown after which I couldn’t focus. Reading other survivor stories and connecting with them eases the loneliness of PTSD.

  11. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    Great about page, glad I got connected to your blog. Looking forward to reading more!

    • Thanks very much. I’ve been thinking of updating it actually, there’s a lot more to be said now than when I started the blog. Your comments mean a lot 😊 x

  12. endogab says:

    I just wanted to comment and tell you how much I love reading your blog. You feel so personable, almost like you reach right through the computer screen. I can feel that you are very bright and beautiful. I suffer from PTSD, Generalized anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Reading your posts makes me feel understood and reminds me that there are other people out there who truly understand. Lots of love to you and thank you for sharing your life ❤ xo

  13. Mr. Q says:

    Good evening Miss 27,
    I, on the behalf of all the others, would like to say how thrilled we are to read about you all. I have just spent the last hours reading the entirety of your catalog of written words. Sifting throughout all the pain and suffering, as well as the triumph
    It was most liberating to see you develop and realise who you all were and how you functioned. We our self’s struggle with this, and have only just begun our journey of letting everyone meet us. For us it can be hard putting who we are into a verbal context, but we are determine.
    So we empathize with your realization greatly and admire your openness about it.
    You all, so far. are the only ones we’ve found that bear some similarity to us..
    This is exciting and comforting.
    Allow me to introduce myself;
    I who currently speak for us, am much like you Miss 27. I am Mr. Q
    Its is so wonderful to meet you, and we all shall be watching with anticipation of your future endeavors.
    I speak for all of us when I say we hope that the Dutchman is treating you well and we would like to pass on our regards to 14, 15 and 16.
    Sincerely
    Mr. Q

    • Hey, did we ever reply to you? Doesn’t look like we did! Nice to meet you. It’s 16 currently, hope you’re having a nice day. If you ever want any more information or have any questions, drop us a line. We like to answer questions about ourselves! The online world has so many amazing DID/mental health bloggers out there that we may not be the only ones who are similar to you. It’s nice to belong to a community, though, where nobody thinks you’re weird. X

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