Blue despite hope.

Sorry, this is probably going to be depressing and a little ranty. I’m just at the end of my tether. Please stay safe, don’t read if you’re feeling fragile: assume this post comes with a content warning. We briefly talk about suicidal thoughts too, nothing graphic, but still. Protect yourselves.


We’re all tired. We had a really nice weekend with our parents, and a nice day yesterday with the Dutchman. He had a day off yesterday so we spent it together, after having taken our parents to the airport. They made it home safely and everything was fine. 

Last night, we crashed, energy wise. We ran right​ out of spoons and ended up floppy and weak. We sounded drunk because we were so tired. 

We’re tired of this. Our period hit on Saturday, the worst one we’ve had yet. The cramps felt like we were partly being bathed in acid and partly slashed by razor blades. It is agony. We managed to pretend we had the energy to do things™ this weekend, but now all we want to do is sleep and hope the pain and exhaustion leaves.

We overdid it and our beleaguered, battered body is now paying the price.

We’re tired of that. We hate it. We hate that May has come and it’s a double trauma anniversary now, coupled with the knowledge that next month was when we lost our little Fay…

We have had an MRI and are waiting for a miracle. Hopefully someone saw something on the scan. Hopefully someone will know why our ovaries hurt so goddamn much. 

Hoping hurts and we are so, so frightened that we will not be able to get help for the pain. We are so done with hurting. In fact, we’re getting suicidal thoughts back again and it’s something we haven’t dealt with in ages, and that’s scary.

Please wish us well. We need you guys.


7 comments on “Blue despite hope.

  1. Jeanine says:

    Absolutely sending prayers & thoughts of support your way… ps I have never ever heard pains of a woman described so exact razor blades & other … so sorry you’re going through this. People are still hear hoping for you and listening.

    • Thank you very much. Yeah, I have indigestion as well today, to top it all off. Feeling very sorry for myself and just hoping I actually get answers/help this week when I go back to the hospital. X

  2. paescapee says:

    Hope you are feeling a bit better? Not to trivialise but my daughter was having severe pain, doctors found nothing in the scan but recommended B12 and Omega3 oil supplements. She was sceptical due to the severity of the pain but actually it has really helped. There are Norwegian studies on the efficacy. Can’t hurt?

    • I have sadly tried both and they don’t really work on my pain. The only thing that did work was cocodamol/codeine and I’m actually allergic, I throw up and pass out if I have any more than one tablet. Hoping my appointment on Friday will give me answers. X

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    i’m here email me any time. i love all of you and hate to see you so sad and blue. pain is a bitch and trauma anniversaries are too. xx

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