I’ve had the best couple of weekends since leaving J in Florida. It’s made me acutely aware that I’m lonely.
I crave company now, whereas I didn’t before. I wish J were here. I wish my friends lived a little closer to me. Most of all, I wish those closest to me lived closer to me, or I to them.
I have been trapped in my head, lonely and frightened for so long, that human contact is so alien to me. When someone gets close to me now, I don’t want to let them go. I know that the more time I spend away from J, the stronger my feelings run for him. I miss affection from friends, too. I love R’s hugs, H’s hand holding, and Mr Robot’s quiet understanding. I spent a lot of time over the past two weeks with three horror-loving friends of mine who I care about a lot- the Metalheads, my friends who got married on Halloween, and our mutual friend the Dutchman. I have a new group of friends there, which is growing steadily. There’s so much I’ve been restricting myself from, believing that I wasn’t worthy of friendship or love or affection. One of my friends is currently staying in Italy on a teaching course, and she has said I can visit her there.
The time has come to re-learn travelling. I used to be a traveller, she of 1000 auditions. I’d deal in foreign currency and languages, I’d laugh with new people and get smart about new ways of doing things. I had fun. I was really independent, I could do almost anything, and above all… The people I met and embraced used to get rid of the crippling loneliness I was feeling (as you all know, down to my ex).
I am having a hard time without my friends, and that’s partly because I’ve got into a bad habit of isolating behaviour. I have spent the past three years hiding, terrified of the world and men and my own head. I think I need to step out of the box I’ve put myself in and learn to be free to visit friends again.
My current little ray of hope is that J may well have enough money to come and see me in either February or March next year. I am so thrilled about that, I am trying not to wish the months away- always a dangerous thing.
I’m determined not to continue being this cripplingly lonely.