This scratchy, writhing knot in my chest.

After therapy yesterday I did feel a little better, but now I’m feeling worried again. I have a memory stored in the back of my head that I can’t quite grasp. It’s worrying me because now all I can think about is how I’m trying not to think of it til next week.

I’m not sure what it is apart from that I think it has something to do with that weird religious cult thing my ex had B and I believing in. I keep feeling frightened for no reason, anxious that something evil is going to find me. He had me so worked up, I would see demons everywhere. The worst one was the one with the back of its head missing and no face. I was manic, so hallucinations came with the territory. He fuelled them.

I wonder if I’m actually losing control of my life again. I’m trying not to but I feel like nothing I ever wanted will work for me. I have no time or inspiration to write at the minute and I really, really want to. How can I hone my craft when I have no time to do it in?

J still drifts across a sea. A sea separated by hostile border-keepers and communication that’s been sporadic at best. I’m trying to build a life I can’t see.

R is now married, and I know that she will never leave me. Right now though she’s enjoying her honeymoon, and I’m not going to spoil it.

Lastly, A texted me I think. I had a ‘hi’ off a number I don’t know. It threw me cause I was out. Was he watching me? Cue panic and hypervigilance.

I need a holiday, or a break, or a day spent shutting out the world. I suspect I’d feel better then.

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6 comments on “This scratchy, writhing knot in my chest.

  1. luverley says:

    I suspect all of you needs a break. I do too. Totaly relate

  2. R says:

    You are very right, I will never leave you, never ever, ever. It’s a lovely thought that you didn’t want to ‘spoil’ my honeymoon but you are so much more to me than that and you never would because of how much you mean to me. I love you so much and always will. My inspiration and best friend ❤

  3. R says:

    You are very right, I will never leave you, never ever, ever. It’s a lovely thought that you didn’t want to ‘spoil’ my honeymoon but you are so much more to me than that and you never would because of how much you mean to me. I love you so much and always will. My inspiration and best friend ❤

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