After therapy yesterday I did feel a little better, but now I’m feeling worried again. I have a memory stored in the back of my head that I can’t quite grasp. It’s worrying me because now all I can think about is how I’m trying not to think of it til next week.
I’m not sure what it is apart from that I think it has something to do with that weird religious cult thing my ex had B and I believing in. I keep feeling frightened for no reason, anxious that something evil is going to find me. He had me so worked up, I would see demons everywhere. The worst one was the one with the back of its head missing and no face. I was manic, so hallucinations came with the territory. He fuelled them.
I wonder if I’m actually losing control of my life again. I’m trying not to but I feel like nothing I ever wanted will work for me. I have no time or inspiration to write at the minute and I really, really want to. How can I hone my craft when I have no time to do it in?
J still drifts across a sea. A sea separated by hostile border-keepers and communication that’s been sporadic at best. I’m trying to build a life I can’t see.
R is now married, and I know that she will never leave me. Right now though she’s enjoying her honeymoon, and I’m not going to spoil it.
Lastly, A texted me I think. I had a ‘hi’ off a number I don’t know. It threw me cause I was out. Was he watching me? Cue panic and hypervigilance.
I need a holiday, or a break, or a day spent shutting out the world. I suspect I’d feel better then.