I’ve been trying to deny it, but I’m sliding. I’m trying to stay on top of this manic comedown but it is really biting hard now. I’m shattered but can’t sleep, starving but can’t eat. I’ve stopped replying to messages and I can’t be bothered with Facebook. J is sick so I won’t bother him.
I am so tired. I do not in any way want to go back to a psychiatrist but I am really struggling with regulating my damn mood. I’m either completely apathetic or I’m angry. I have no inspiration.
I am really trying though, this time, not to sink. Even though I’m sleeping like shit I still try and get up in the morning. Despite continued nightmares, I am trying to stick to my routine at night which has been helping me get to sleep, and I’m trying to reply, even if a few days or hours late. I am not letting this best me.
I need to have this recognised for what it is though- I have bipolar and nobody will believe me. Dr K does, but she can’t tell a psychiatrist without them trying to go down the old wrong BPD thing again. You all know my feelings on psychiatrists and also on BPD. I don’t think we need either.
Maybe I have to learn ways of coping without meds, because it is such a fight to get them and to get anyone to diagnose you with what you actually have. I have PTSD and an affective mood disorder, but few people in the medical profession will take me seriously. They’ll believe me about the abuse but not that I cannot control my moods well.
I suppose I will have to either summon up the courage to see a psych and try and persuade them to get me on mood stabilisers, or live with this and see if there’s a holistic way out of this.