So it turns out that I’m doing ok. Ok despite J being in America, so far from me, despite me having to leave him earlier than both of us had wanted in the main hall- international and domestic flights don’t depart from the same place. I struggled through my first day or two with tears blotting every word I read, and an ache so strong in my throat and heart it physically hurt to breathe.
Then the difficulty of a doctor’s appointment to talk about scan results. I have cysts- benign, but they may come and go with my cycle. Said cycle which has been completely screwed with because every pill I’ve been on so far has made me bleed nearly constantly… The doctor was so lovely to me. He helped me understand that I was safe and not in danger of dying, that the cysts were probably causing me pain, but hopefully a new pill would stop it. He’s also sent my blood off for hormonal screening (I might have issues with them, sigh), and has recommended that I get a smear test done. I’ve been expecting that, to be honest. I think I’ll be able to do it, as long as it’s either my usual, female doctor, or the lovely nurse I had last time I had a pill check.
I’m trying to find a gym to join and I’m working an hour a day on my massage course stuff. I feel pretty pleased that I’m managing so well. My best friend had her second hen do this weekend- it was so so good to catch up with her!!!
All in all, life isn’t bad. But as long as J is not in my bed each night, as long as I don’t feel him breathe beside me, as long as I can’t kiss him, grab his hand or share a joke with him… It’s not amazing.
Still, I can fix that.