Crashing down is so familiar.

It’s happening.

I hate this place. I keep being thrown here, keep being locked into this cycle of wishing I was dead and not seeing a way out.

Monday was a nightmare. It was pretty frightening. I saw myself in the physio’s eyes and saw a has-been with no future and no present. I was ashamed of the leg that’s not the same size as the other one, ashamed of the knobbly knees, the bad back, the shape of my pathetic useless body that’s “out of condition”. Another way to say not good enough.

I’m under no illusions- she was trying to help me, trying to motivate me to realise the shape of my therapy with her to come. She’s attempting to push me harder, to help me achieve the goal of returning to dancing. She even said that if I decided not to, it was ok because there was definitely life after retirement.

Oh I know that. I’ve been there for the past two years, and it’s been horrible.

Waking up and seeing the body that let you down so many times in the shower, and hating it. Waking up for work on Monday and hating it. Waking up and hating yourself.

Advertisements

4 comments on “Crashing down is so familiar.

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    We are all flawed, that is part of being human. What makes you different is also what makes you wonderfully unique. Embrace that uniqueness!! 🙂

    • The flaws have become a problem. They’re responsible for screwing up a lot of my life, they’ve become maladaptive. I think my next step in therapy is to sort out some of my flaws with the intention of stopping them from hurting me or others. x

      • Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

        Part of healing is recognizing what you feel you need to work on. It does sound like you are starting from a place of self-awareness!

      • Thank you- if you managed to read my next post, you’ll understand the last one I think. I try to be self aware as much as I can, it helps me and everyone around me. x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s