TW: little one.

I barely have words for this.

I’ve been doing better- dissociative, absent-minded maybe, but better. And now it’s nearly July and I had my miscarriage then, and I am currently bleeding because I forgot to take a pill two days ago.

It’s bringing back memories of the horror of realising I was pregnant and pretty much immediately after that realising my marble was dead, my baby was gone. I have that hollow emptiness between my hipbones again where life should have grown. I am not cradling a three year old girl or boy in my arms, soothing my little one to sleep. I’m ragged and in pain, bleeding just like I did then.

I thought I had managed to put this aside a bit better than this, but I think that my body has not finished grieving yet. It’s still grieving for all the sorrows, crying out for all the times it was hurt and couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I hope I stop bleeding soon. I keep thinking that there’s something wrong, but what’s really wrong is that someone once put me through so much emotional pain that I lost my child.

I think I will have to ring the phone number the doctor gave me for the rape crisis centre near me. I think it’s time to find out what’s happening with my body, and to let myself continue to grieve for a dream that never happened.


8 comments on “TW: little one.

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    Please do take care, seek medical professionals if you need to!

  2. My husband and I lost our baby the day after mothers day this year and it has been tough to get thru. We had no trouble conceiving our daughter who’s 3 years old now, so we decided to start trying for baby #2 but we had no idea that it would end in miscarriage. We are devastated but in the midst of all of it we are holding onto God’s word and believing that he will see us thru it.. I started a blog to help me heal and to also help other women. I pray that God gives us our rainbow baby soon, it has been 6 weeks since the miscarriage and I finally stopped bleeding. That part alone was pure torture as it was a reminder of what I lost everytime I went to the bathroom. I feel your pain. Take care of yourself.

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