lost in the darkness

I have been putting up the Christmas decorations today, trying to keep my good spirits up, but they have crashed and I’m left feeling lost and lonely.

I was told by Dr K to expect this, but it’s left me drifting. I feel cut off from my family and very alone.

I’m cuddling up to the puppy and trying to comfort the frightened, shamed eighteen or nineteen year old who still doesn’t get why she was subject to biting and pain and misery. She doesn’t get why she was whipped with a metal belt and made to be an object for humiliation and pain. She is me.

I never acknowledged the biting and the whipping as abuse because he lied to me and told me it was BDSM when it wasn’t. It was abuse.

At first I thought the lost feeling was anxiety over Christmas, but it isn’t. I’m upset for injuries that happened in my past that still hurt in the present.


4 comments on “lost in the darkness

  1. janetcate says:

    Pains from the past still hurt me in the present as well. Really just understanding the immensity of it all. However I have come to a place where I know what I know and feel what I feel. This is the sense of freedom I have found after many years of deep darkness.

  2. Oooh 😢 I wish I could give you a hug. Xxxx

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