Christmas struggle.

So the inevitable season of “cheer and goodwill” is on us.

Forgive me if I want nothing to do with it.

I was trying to explain to my family last night that I only feel slightly festive when the decorations and tree go up in our house, and before then I actively dislike it. In fact, I hate the fake happiness and stupid carols so much that I’ve begun to avoid anything Christmas-related altogether.

I used to love Christmas and all it’s promises of fun, but since leaving my ex and getting PTSD, all I can think of this year is the anxiety and nerves surrounding it. Did I get him a good enough present? Did I spend enough money on him? Would I spend enough time with him or would I get yelled at and forced to endure another argument? Would there be issues with me ‘spending too much time with my family?’

I tried to explain this to my mum and was met with the succinct statement that she was not letting my ex hijack HER Christmas. She has no idea how much that hurt me.

I live with this. I was piggy in the middle between two strong pulls- him and family. I was not good enough for either, so naturally I feel like Christmas is stressful and upsetting. I’m still waiting for the inevitable moment when he “forgot” to buy me a present, so I would have to wait until he could be bothered. I am crippled under the weight of the miscarriage still and trying to lead life well and do a show. I am at max capacity and running out of my happy mask to slap on.

I know a lot of you out here in the blogosphere are also not fans of Christmas. I need advice to explain to my family why I have appeared like I enjoy Christmas when in fact, it’s awful.

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9 comments on “Christmas struggle.

  1. mckarlie says:

    I’m sorry hun *hugs* I know exactly how you feel. before I had my kids i really really disliked christmas. the family stress, financial crap, having to spend the day with people you really don’t care for, it’s just meh. can you sit your mum down and just say ‘look mum, i really appreciate your efforts to make christmas special but for me it’s a different time of year *insert reasons* and if you could please be patient with me I’d really appreciate it, I’m not trying to be dramatic I just really need some support’ – I find that being concise and sincere is the best way forward with these matters. She loves you, she just doesn’t understand what you’re going through at the moment xo

    • Tried to explain it to my mum today and I think she gets it better now. I explained that I didn’t want to not have Christmas, I just wanted to give her a head’s up that I was not going to be my best this year. Also think that last year traumatised me as well- instead of being safe at home, I was in London and experiencing horrible flashbacks and panic attacks. The only time I really felt festive was when we went to get Juno puppy. Thanks for helping me x

      • mckarlie says:

        Always here for you girl! I’m so glad she has a better understanding now, I’m sure it will still probably prove stressful here and there but hopefully she will remember what you have told her and she will show you the love and support you deserve. Just try your best to find joy anywhere you can, try not to focus on the past sweetie all that does is take you back to the bad places. I have absolute faith that you are going to beat this, it will take time but you will get there xo

      • Thank you so much for your advice. I will definitely use this year to make better memories. What you said impacted my whole day for the better xxx

      • mckarlie says:

        Thanks sweetie, I hope you’re doing ok! I had a problem with my email I had to do password retrieval but I have access again now so I’m on it 🙂

      • Feeling better at the moment thanks, starting to get a little more recognition from the family and feeling more listened to. Xx

      • mckarlie says:

        Glad to hear it. Take care

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    I’m sorry xmas is so difficult. Its hard when our families just don’t understand. I think people who don’t have PTSD and who don’t live with it on a daily basis will never truly understand what its like for us. Sending you massive hugs hon. Xoxo

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