So the inevitable season of “cheer and goodwill” is on us.
Forgive me if I want nothing to do with it.
I was trying to explain to my family last night that I only feel slightly festive when the decorations and tree go up in our house, and before then I actively dislike it. In fact, I hate the fake happiness and stupid carols so much that I’ve begun to avoid anything Christmas-related altogether.
I used to love Christmas and all it’s promises of fun, but since leaving my ex and getting PTSD, all I can think of this year is the anxiety and nerves surrounding it. Did I get him a good enough present? Did I spend enough money on him? Would I spend enough time with him or would I get yelled at and forced to endure another argument? Would there be issues with me ‘spending too much time with my family?’
I tried to explain this to my mum and was met with the succinct statement that she was not letting my ex hijack HER Christmas. She has no idea how much that hurt me.
I live with this. I was piggy in the middle between two strong pulls- him and family. I was not good enough for either, so naturally I feel like Christmas is stressful and upsetting. I’m still waiting for the inevitable moment when he “forgot” to buy me a present, so I would have to wait until he could be bothered. I am crippled under the weight of the miscarriage still and trying to lead life well and do a show. I am at max capacity and running out of my happy mask to slap on.
I know a lot of you out here in the blogosphere are also not fans of Christmas. I need advice to explain to my family why I have appeared like I enjoy Christmas when in fact, it’s awful.