I’m stricken by anxiety right now. All I want to do is get in bed and sleep. Instead, I’m mentally climbing the walls and wishing there was some way to switch off what I’m feeling. I’m working very hard for the dance school show at the minute so I am involved in all sorts of things like thinking about lighting cues and sewing sequins and rehearsing children, so the tiredness I’m feeling is more than just meds. The problem is, I’m frightened of sleeping. I’m frightened of yet another nightmare where I’m with my ex, but I keep feeling like something is wrong, and then I realise- I’m not supposed to be with him! I’m supposed to be with J!
I’m frightened of waking up and realising I’m going to have to shut my eyes and sleep again. I hate the thought that I will probably have a nightmare each and every night, and as a result I delay sleeping and then the tiredness is even worse…
I hate this cycle. It’s easier with J in bed to hold, because I’m grounded and able to realise he will wake me if my nightmares are too bad. He is there if I start crying or if I thrash too much, to hold my hand. He isn’t here though- he would be with me now if he could, but we are thousands of miles apart and I’m frightened.
I think I will take an extra dose of my meds, and see if that helps. Right now I am running out of options and frightened that I won’t be able to sleep.