TW: CSI and triggers.

I’m not very clever sometimes. I love my crime drama and my cop shows, and tonight I watched CSI. In it, there was a girl who had survived a kidnapping and incarceration. She’d been raped repeatedly and had finally developed Stockholm Syndrome, and she’d finally succumbed to her conditioning and tried to imitate her original captors. I should know better than to watch an episode with so many goddamn triggers, but I was glued and on the edge of my seat. I felt like if I didn’t watch to the end, I would not be respecting anyone who had gone through anything like that.

Thing is, I am conditioned to believe that what I went through was nothing and I should still be grateful for the way he treated me. The email he once sent me said that he was sorry to break up with me and it was a shitty way to treat me after the time I had spent with him. I wanted to throw up. I was an abused rag doll, with no life and no soul. I had no freedom and no future. I was a lifeless husk, and he tried to convince me I was only truly alive with him.

These triggers are weird. I’m not able to stop watching these programmes if there are these triggers in them, and I’m beginning to think it’s a form of therapy- a healthy sort of purging, if you will. At least, that’s what I hope it is.

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15 comments on “TW: CSI and triggers.

  1. mckarlie says:

    I think sometimes we can be attracted to these grim events in fiction because it makes us feel more normal in some respects. We know that it’s made up, we know they are actors, but watching someone else go through something horrible makes us feel a little better, we were part of their trauma and they made it through! So we will be alright too, right? That’s often the mentality around these things. So if you think that you’re purging more than swimming in the sadness, then keep doing it! If it helps you in some way to witness trigger filled tv then keep it up, just make sure your reasons are what you think they are πŸ™‚

  2. Alice says:

    Reblogged this on Down the Rabbit Hole and commented:
    TW: R***
    I understand how this writer feels. Even though I know it’s bad for my health to watch or listen to things about my specific trauma, I still can’t help doing it.
    Maybe it’s a way of not letting one event affect my entire life? Or maybe it’s trying to numb myself? Or maybe it is a kind of therapy. The world is obsessed, and maybe that can turn into something good

  3. Bradley says:

    I was prepared to write a comment, but I think mckarlie said it perfectly. The only thing I can add is “Big Bear Hugs”

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