I’m not very clever sometimes. I love my crime drama and my cop shows, and tonight I watched CSI. In it, there was a girl who had survived a kidnapping and incarceration. She’d been raped repeatedly and had finally developed Stockholm Syndrome, and she’d finally succumbed to her conditioning and tried to imitate her original captors. I should know better than to watch an episode with so many goddamn triggers, but I was glued and on the edge of my seat. I felt like if I didn’t watch to the end, I would not be respecting anyone who had gone through anything like that.
Thing is, I am conditioned to believe that what I went through was nothing and I should still be grateful for the way he treated me. The email he once sent me said that he was sorry to break up with me and it was a shitty way to treat me after the time I had spent with him. I wanted to throw up. I was an abused rag doll, with no life and no soul. I had no freedom and no future. I was a lifeless husk, and he tried to convince me I was only truly alive with him.
These triggers are weird. I’m not able to stop watching these programmes if there are these triggers in them, and I’m beginning to think it’s a form of therapy- a healthy sort of purging, if you will. At least, that’s what I hope it is.