Last night I had another nightmare.
I dreamt I was being forced to go along with what this guy was telling me to do. I was frozen, unable to tell him to back off and that it wasn’t welcome. He was degrading and humiliating and when he left, I was terrified that he would come back and start again, only this time with even worse intentions.
The other girl there with me didn’t understand why I was crying and why I was so frightened of the man. She was too used to his treatment of her and told me it was just how he was, that he didn’t mean any harm by how he was. In a way, she was as traumatised as I was, she just didn’t know it.
I think that girl was also me, still trying to make excuses for what he did. Still refusing to understand how bad it really was, and how much it will damage her when she finally understands what he did.
Part of me somewhere, I think, is still brainwashed and seeing all his petty sexual cruelties as kinky, or something he can’t help. That part is the bit I feel sorry for the most, because it’s the part that needs the most help.