More nightmares: TW, I talk about rape.

Last night I had another nightmare.

I dreamt I was being forced to go along with what this guy was telling me to do. I was frozen, unable to tell him to back off and that it wasn’t welcome. He was degrading and humiliating and when he left, I was terrified that he would come back and start again, only this time with even worse intentions.

The other girl there with me didn’t understand why I was crying and why I was so frightened of the man. She was too used to his treatment of her and told me it was just how he was, that he didn’t mean any harm by how he was. In a way, she was as traumatised as I was, she just didn’t know it.

I think that girl was also me, still trying to make excuses for what he did. Still refusing to understand how bad it really was, and how much it will damage her when she finally understands what he did.

Part of me somewhere, I think, is still brainwashed and seeing all his petty sexual cruelties as kinky, or something he can’t help. That part is the bit I feel sorry for the most, because it’s the part that needs the most help.

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10 comments on “More nightmares: TW, I talk about rape.

  1. sarahkreece says:

    Interesting take on it

  2. I can relate to this. I made excuses for my rapist, and in some ways I think I still do. I had multiple rapists, but this was the only one I was in a relationship with. When it was over, the only way I could pick myself up and go on was to tell myself that I only endured what I allowed him to do. It took me years to accept that he was an abuser, and I was a victim. Once I accepted that, I started to heal and truly become a survivor. I am so proud of you for having the courage to share your story, and it is making you stronger. You are inspiring me to share more of mine.

    • It’s sad how much we put up with ‘for love,’ or because ‘it’s just the way they are’. I promised myself I would never end up with a bad guy, and I did- making the excuses, telling lies to those I love, and not understanding that I was not responsible and that he pulled each and every one of my strings. I get you- I still feel guilty and remorseful, but it’s slowly getting through that I was not to blame. I feel honoured that you want to share your story as a result of this, thank you so much. x

  3. dazedandlost says:

    Reblogged this on suicideasseenbythe1leftbehind and commented:
    Your a brave soul I hope you know this.

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    So good you made this connection. I hope you get to grips with it in therapy. It sounds like you will though. You are brave ❤ xx

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