Why I stayed.

Then, I stayed because there was no leaving. If I left, my internal organs caved and failed and I bled internally. I was a wreck, a corpse shuffling through life like a zombie.

Now, I stay because J’s hand brushes warm across my hair. He lets me go where I please, as long as I’m happy. When the day ends there are long embraces and tender moments spent in bed, fighting sleep just to feel the faintest brush of a kiss in my hair or on my skin.

Then, I stayed because I was told over and over I was worthless. I was useless, stupid, slutty, selfish, and I had no idea how to please him. My ex would use all sorts of examples of how selfish I was, and like the small stupid thing I was, I played sheep to his shepherd and let him lead me into darkness.

Now, I stay because a kind voice on the end of the phone told me, “The first thing you have to remember is that it was NOT your fault.”
That was actually when I broke down crying. One good action from one good man fixed so much in just one short sentence. I clung to that some days when I felt like I was drowning, and it saved me.

Then, I stayed because I had no choice. I had alienated my friends, my family- everyone and anyone who could have read the signs and helped me get out sooner. But of course, when I asked him about it, he made me remember that I was naive and clueless without him, and I wouldn’t survive a minute.

Now, I stay because J treats me like an equal. He knows I’m on his level intellectually and appreciates my quickness to grasp something. He doesn’t mind where I go and who I see, and my friends now ask if they can meet him, impatient to get to know him.

That’s why I stay now. My world comprises of honour, respect, satisfaction, happiness amd genuine love.

I stayed with my ex because I was brainwashed.

I know where I would rather be.

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