Forgiveness, and why it’s bullshit.

Oh my god, just had the most irritating conversation EVER with my parents.

I love them so much but they are Christian and I am not, and they cling to this outdated concept of forgiveness.

They believe it is letting go of what happened to you and exonerating the one who did you wrong- as long as they admit they did wrong in the first place.

Thing is, my ex never will. They know that of course, but they said I have to forgive him internally… Really?

To me, forgiveness means wiping the slate clean and saying that everything that ever happened to you did not exist. It means obliterating the past in favour of a saccharine future.

I do want to forget what he did but I don’t want to let him off the hook. People like him deserve to wriggle on the end of a fish hook forever.

True power lies in clinging to whatever strength you have. My strength lies right now in my ability to not sweep this under the carpet any more. My strength lies in my puppy, sleeping on my knee. My strength lies in my family, my sister, my friends.

It does not lie in forgiving someone who will never feel remorse for what he did. In my head, that is not bitterness- it’s reality. That’s the hard lessons I’ve learned whilst being subject to eight years of agony.


11 comments on “Forgiveness, and why it’s bullshit.

  1. Himiyu says:

    Dear Stark,

    What I am about to say is not something to be forced/condemned upon you, but rather something that I wanted to say as I am a Christian myself from another Christian’s perspective on why we “cling to the message of forgiveness” so much. First, though I know only a bit, more so a speck, by your blog that you have gone through so much, I can not begin to imagine what you have gone through period. I will say this go, Forgiveness is not something that we do in our own strength/or power. If it was up to a lot of us, on the basis of our human nature, we would neevvver forgive. However, what I am coming to learn myself is that we forgive not that someone may even “deserve” forgiveness but because our heavenly father, Jesus Christ forgave us first. The bible says in Mark 11:25: “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” You see, forgiveness is not as much about the person or what they have done to us, we forgive because we also want to be free and to be forgiven ourselves. Forgiveness is not only merited when the other individual chooses to own/take responsibility for their action(s), because honestly if we waited for the other person to come through, that may/may never EVER happen. Therefore, we should not be under that bondage on the basis of that individual. Our strength does not necessarily lie in “forgiveness” solely but in GOD who gives us strength to forgive. None of us “have” to forgive, we choose to forgive because God commands us to do so and in that manner, we should do so.

    This is not all to say that forgiveness is “excusing” the individual who has committed something against us or to “pretend” X did not happen. That would be avoiding the truth that is our reality. Every action done under the sun will have consequences; that will never change. However, it does mean that we are letting go of what goes with unforgiveness ( resentment, bitterness, etc) and giving it to the Lord to handle. We can not click a button in our brain to wipe our memory clean; if the Lord wanted that he would have made it that way. However, he does not want our unforgiveness that has come from what has happened to us to holds us back…not only in this life on earth but in our relationship with God. God teaches us to forgive, but he’s NOT asking us to do change that person, to put up with someone else poor treatment /mess, to condemn that person, or to hold what that person did against them. Forgiveness means that we are letting it go to be given to The Lord so that we may become closer to the Lord ( as an example of his love, mercy, & grace). To deny forgiveness, would be to deny what the Lord has done for us.

    Again, forgiveness is NOT done in our own strength and example. God loved us first and he forgave us of our sins, even when we did not deserve it and we denied him. As Christians, we have to come to an understanding ourselves that to forgive is to be forgiven by God. It’s not about wiping somebody, whoever else’s plate clean but our OWN plate clean.

    Last but not least, I have had my times where I sure didn’t “feel” like forgiving ( and probably many more times to come) but as a matter to be obedient to God, we know we have to forgive. If it was up to ourselves, by ourselves…apart from God, we could and would come up with every reason in the book not to forgive someone and while that may work for a season, we weren’t meant to hold on to what HE/she done to us forever. Forgiveness is not for them , it’s for ourselves.

    Himiyu ~

    • Dear Himiyu,

      My biggest problem with all of this is that I don’t believe it. I’m sorry, but I cannot any more. Christianity has damaged me more than I previously realised, and thinking along those lines brought me to mental breakdown and self-hatred. I don’t want to attack you. I don’t want to hurt you, and I understand the concept of forgiveness in the Christianity very well. I was a die-hard, Evangelical church of England Christian for many years. I understand that the concept provides relief for many troubled believers.
      Unfortunately for me, all forgiveness ever gave me was pain, a foothold into being taken advantage of, and sadness. I am aware what I think now on forgivenesswill fly against the grain for you, as it once did for me, but now my beliefs provide me with the strength to limp of another day.
      I really appreciate you explaining what you believe and you’re brave for tackling this massive and controversial theme. What shone through to me most was your concern for me. Believe me, I do appreciate it. x

      • Himiyu says:

        Hi Stark,

        I apologize for taking so long to reply back! I surely do appreciate that you were willing to listen/read my post regardless to whether you agreed/did not agree with it. I am so sorry to hear that it was like that for you as that is surely not how it was suppose to be/should have been with God. Please know that I am here if you should ever have any questions regarding the faith or just anything 🙂

        Kind regards,
        ~ Himiyu

      • Dear Himiyu-
        I wIsh I had met more Christians like you when I was at my most broken over religion. I think less damage would have been done if I had met people like you and my friend Z, who I write about in other posts. As it is, learning that not every Christian is as judgemental is very nice. Thank you for being brave enough to reply to me, I was worried my bitterness had scared you off!

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    Strength, your strength shines through, keep on shining, dont make anyone make you into something your not, or believe things you dont want to believe. XXX ❤

  3. Does he feel the pain of wriggling on the end of the hook? Does he even know he’s on it? If not, don’t waste your energy on keeping him there. Flush that turd down the loo, and forget him. Easier said than done I know x

    • So true there! He has no idea. Problem is that I’m stuck on that hook and wriggling to escape. The good news is that I will have my therapist to help me feel less skewered, and I will one day regard him as that turd! x

      • manyofus1980 says:

        Hi there…those of you who read our old blog, I am asking you if you’d like to read our new private blog. We have dissociative identity disorder and PTSD, we write about our journey to healing, our therapy process, and our ups, and downs in life. Our blog is currently private because we write about some heavy topics but if you request access we will approve you. To request access visit thanks for reading

  4. iturnandburn says:

    I have never forgiven the people who have wronged me and show no remorse, nor do I feel any sense of obligation to do so, I do not believe the quality of my life would be better if I did so and I use them to know what kind of people to avoid.

    Forgiveness is essential to relationship. Let’s say a man cheats on his wife. The wife would then have a choice of whether or not to forgive him. To not forgive would be to end the relationship and forgiveness is continuing on in relationship and not holding what the person did against them. It is very important that each person who has been wronged has the choice of whether or not to forgive and that they are not manipulated into believing that forgiveness is what good people do.

    • Thank you for your kind words- being manipulated into feeling bad for not forgiving is all I know. I would forgive J (although he doesn’t do anything bad to me!) if the need arose but never, NEVER my ex. x

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