My illness is a ninja.

I’m frightened by what happens when my guard is down.

Partly I know my reactions are normal-ish, but the normality ends when I stop seeing where my bipolar starts. I am so unaware of when it happens, and my family just think it is me getting over the top. The problem is, I’m not doing it on purpose, and it’s not a cool party trick. I genuinely feel upset and frightened and hurt when it happens.

Take today for example. On a family outing, on the way back in the car, it strikes and makes me feel about three years old again, arguing for no point and no reason. I only realised I was manic when my boyfriend pointed it out to me- I think my family thought I was trying to be funny, because they were all laughing.

In fact, I’m still steaming angry right now and feeling horrible for arguing with J. I know he isn’t going to take it personally but I still feel stupid and horrible. I know it’s not my fault but I feel like it is and I
just want to punch a wall.

This post has to be short because I’m still not feeling well and too many people are in the house.

Advertisements

5 comments on “My illness is a ninja.

  1. Hugs xxxx You’re not alone. It sucks when your mood can change all of a sudden, hopefully you/we/your family can help find a way that helps, when you are feeling like that. Not sure if there is a way, but yeah.. just trying to say I’ll help you x

    Feel better soon xx

    • Thank you so much, I was having problems controlling my stress levels- as J pointed out, I was very manic that day. Mr Bradley has got a great idea on how to monitor my manicness- set reminders on my phone throughout the day so I can check in with myself and calm down. I’m kind of new to this game, having never monitored it before, so every little helps! xx

  2. Bradley says:

    I have a friend who has a hard time catching when she’s manic. She wound up having her phone sound off reminders during the day so she would take a breath and take a quick inventory of her mood. Its helped her a lot. Just an idea I’m tossing out there.
    Sounds like you’re lucky to have J around. Wishing you the best.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s