I’m frightened by what happens when my guard is down.
Partly I know my reactions are normal-ish, but the normality ends when I stop seeing where my bipolar starts. I am so unaware of when it happens, and my family just think it is me getting over the top. The problem is, I’m not doing it on purpose, and it’s not a cool party trick. I genuinely feel upset and frightened and hurt when it happens.
Take today for example. On a family outing, on the way back in the car, it strikes and makes me feel about three years old again, arguing for no point and no reason. I only realised I was manic when my boyfriend pointed it out to me- I think my family thought I was trying to be funny, because they were all laughing.
In fact, I’m still steaming angry right now and feeling horrible for arguing with J. I know he isn’t going to take it personally but I still feel stupid and horrible. I know it’s not my fault but I feel like it is and I
just want to punch a wall.
This post has to be short because I’m still not feeling well and too many people are in the house.