So, more on what actually happened yesterday to me…
I went to my psychologist appointment, even though the voices were telling me I should cancel, or tell her I’m fine. They wanted me to lie so they could get me to kill myself that day, or keep trying til I had succeeded. I resisted them with everything I had, and broke down completely in front of my psychologist.
Dr K was very concerned about the state I was in. Needless to say, you guys have seen on my blog how bad it is. The voices have been intolerable, and I told Dr K as much. She told me she thought it might be a very good idea if I went into hospital, just to keep me safe.
She rang ahead to Accident and Emergency, and asked for the RAID team. They are the rapid response mental health assessors, and they were as good as their word when I got there. I did have a long wait, but eventually I got to speak to someone and I broke down again. As a rule, I hate crying in front of strangers, but I couldn’t help it yesterday. I was so so upset and shocked. The voices, of course, were non stop, even when the lovely Triage nurse who did my initial assessment was talking to me.
The guy from the RAID team didn’t want to let me leave, because I kept crying that I felt like eventually someone at home would fall asleep and I would be able to take a steak knife to myself. I felt powerless, out of control, but better once the decision to admit me had been made.
Once that was done, I had a long, long wait to see the consultant at the mental health ward, and eventually she came. J called me before she did, and he was his usual calm reassuring self. I love how gentle he is with me. The voices may make me paranoid, but god, if he had wanted to run from me, he would have by now. Instead, he was reassuring me, telling me he believes I will be fine.
The consultant was very nice. She was efficient, calm, and great at taking blood- not a bruise this morning, hooray! Usually needles make me bruise massively, but nothing else does, so I was please to wake without a bruise.
I’m settling in as best I can. It helps I have my own room with a lockable door and its own ensuite toilet. I’m still nervous and tired, and jumpy, but I feel safe. At last.
Today the voices started on me from the moment I was woken up for breakfast this morning. I haven’t really had much of a break. I think that later on I meet my personal consultant, and I can always talk to any of the nurses if I have a problem.
I thought my mum would be more upset with my admittance than she is, but actually she isn’t. She thinks I shouldn’t be in here, but that’s ok. She is at least happy I am safe.
All my friends have rallied round me. I have your support here which is invaluable, and I also have J, my sister and family. Thank you all.