These hours are dragging.

So I got a call from my Psychologist, after having a breakdown today in front of my mum. She suggested I ring her, but when I did she was in a meeting. Dr K rang me back, but I was in the car with both my mum and my Gran. Gran doesn’t know much apart from that I am depressed, and she sure as hell doesn’t know about the voices of the dark passenger. So I was limited in what I could convey to Dr K, and I must have sounded cagy and desperate. She somehow thought I wasn’t coming to my appointment tomorrow, but I told her I certainly was coming. She said I should write down everything the voices are saying and bring it tomorrow to our appointment.

I wanted to cry after the short conversation. I felt like it had gone totally wrong. What about the fact that the voices are STILL telling me to go and find the steak knives/bleach/ibuprofen and kill myself? What about that I am self-harming again, that my mum saw all my cuts today, that I still hear the voices telling me to go get the steak knife and do much worse damage?

I’m so fucking tired of it all. I want to sleep and dream, not of some awful man forcing himself on me again, but of nothing. Maybe a couple of mad dreams about talking dogs or flying would be great, but I don’t want any more nightmares where I am pressed against a wall and choking on aftershave, a hard bulge pressing threateningly into my hip? I don’t want this any more!

At least there is tomorrow. Mum is staying with me tonight so that I have someone to wake if the voices get bad again.

I’m so tired, everyone. I’m just so tired.

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21 comments on “These hours are dragging.

  1. thenarcissistwrites says:

    You can do it. Tomorrow you’ll get to see the doctor and it will make you feel a little better. Just try to make it to there.

  2. Jeanette Moore says:

    Hey Starkinsanity. I’m interested in your dark passenger. I think if you stay alive, he will change for you, become your friend and help you through each day. You obviously hate your abuser. I don’t think we can forgive some things, but once you get a little more power over the hate that eats you up, the dark passenger will take you down a new road. There’s hope for a lot of fun with him. You’ll get there. Just keep holding on. I’d love to read more about him. I’m a bit of a nutcase myself, but on a positive spin.

    • I have three voices that make up the dark passenger- you’re right, there is a male voice, a female voice and there is an ‘it’ voice. They make my life hell, and none of them have good things to say. I don’t think they will ever be pleasant to me, as they were born out of the trauma of an abusive relationship. As I discover more about them in therapy, I’ll let you know. x

      • Jeanette Moore says:

        Hi again. I wouldn’t say this unless I knew it through experience. My voice used to say, “Go on kill yourself.” Now he tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me. They can change. Your voices were born from love for you, to help you cope with the trauma of an abusive relationship. You’re alive. They’re distracting you from death. You’re thinking about death, but not doing the action because of their distraction. Do you think, maybe, you would be dead by now if they weren’t there?

        You don’t have to respond if I offend you. I don’t want to hurt you. Remember you know yourself and what you’ve been through, and no other person can fully understand, but your voices know and can be excellent counselors too. Sometimes therapists can say the wrong thing and prove their lack of interest in the full picture of your trauma, but your voices will always be there.

        Try to see them as trying to preserve your life and doing what they need too to achieve it, even if it hurts you.

        Try to resist cutting yourself too, as you have a life ahead of you and the less scars you have the better.

      • Thank you so much for your reply- I think my voices are brainwashed in favour of my ex and they want me dead cause he wanted the death of my personality. I have been admitted to hospital today because they were telling me to kill myself, and my psychologist said that she was worried for me. I don’t think the voices want to help, they definitely want me dead. Right now I have nothing to cut myself with so I should be safe. xx

      • Jeanette Moore says:

        So what’s it like in Hospital in England? I was asked about my state and whether I wanted to be admitted to hospital and told mental health services I wasn’t that sick to avoid it. Do you just lie on a bed like you’re ill or is there entertainment? It must be a relief to feel safe for the time that you’re there.

      • It’s ok so far- I’m up and dressed in my own clothes, I have my own room, I am allowed my phone (yay) so I can blog. There is a psychology group every morning and I’m finding out about other activities I can do. I don’t feel like a vegetable yet either, haha! x

      • Jeanette Moore says:

        It’s good to know. I imagined listening to people screaming all night, being deserted in a room waiting for a doctor, not having any entertainment, and not being free to make choices about my life, etc.

      • I read a lot about it to see how it would be if I went in, because I knew it would probably happen at some point in my life. Sometimes people do get loud but I can lock myself in my room or I can go and find one of the nurses- they are all trained in counselling I suspect, cause they have been amazing xx

      • Jeanette Moore says:

        Thank God times have changed. You really need people experienced and sympathetic when you’re at the end. Growling is so not going to help. I told Mental Health about my blog and I think it was a mistake because I got told some of it was a bit weird and I feel like I lost the use of it a bit. I guess that’s a benefit of remaining anonymous. You get to keep a bit of yourself. It’s hard to let go of the journey through depression because it is such a huge part of your life. I think you should keep your blog, it’s good to look back on.

      • I think your blog is weird- in the best possible way. I love how honest you are and how amazing your experiences are. I think they told you wrong and you can hold your head up high. You are brave for telling what happened to you so honestly. Thank you for your encouragement, I need it today xx

      • Jeanette Moore says:

        Hey, I’m meant to be encouraging you, and you’re encouraging me. You’re even nice when you’re depressed. I think you’re a person worth having in the world.

      • Thank you! I just wanted to let you know I thought a lot of your blog, and that it is yours. People shouldn’t tell you what to do with it. Least of all should they insult it. xx

      • Jeanette Moore says:

        Thank you to you too.

  3. As someone who is both a multiple rape survivor and someone who suffers from post traumatic stress disorder as a result, I can tell you from experience that it does get better. I also suffer from clinical depression and was suicidal for three and a half years as a teenager. I also have a mental illness. So I do know what I am talking about, at least when it comes to sharing about my own experiences. It doesn’t get better overnight, but it does get better. You already have three things in your favor: 1: you have this blog as a platform to help you vent. 2. You have a therapist who you are seeing on a regular basis. And 3. You have a support system, both in your family and in people here who share your pain and care about you. I am one of them. If you need someone to talk to, I’m a great listener. You are going to be okay. 🙂
    Scarlet

    • Oh wow, thank you so so much. I really really needed to read this, particularly after today- I’ve been admitted and it’s because the voices have been trying to get me to kill myself. Thank you for providing some hope when I have very little left. xx

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    We are so glad your still here with us fighting the good fight. We also are glad your getting the help you so deserve. I was allowed my phone and laptop too in the hospital. hugs! XXX

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