found out.

It’s happened- mum saw my cuts. She was firm and asked me to give her all my blades. I had to stand there and show her the damage I did to my legs- I felt like a criminal, the worst sort of evil thing. Of course the voices loved that- but then she did something the voices did not expect.

She took me and the puppy on a long walk. She picked me flowers, let me get upset, laughed at the puppy’s silly antics as she galloped about and tried to eat butterflies. I held her hand or her arm, and she drew a heart on my wrist when we got home.

I am terrified now. I feel like I’m not numb any more, and with that fading away of numbness comes the awful terror and the pain and the anxiety. My cuts throb with the weight of my guilt, and I’m terrified of tomorrow when I go to the psychologist because I don’t want my mum to suffer any more pain: Dr K might put me in the hospital and I feel like I should go, but I don’t want to hurt my family or J.

I’m so jittery and confused right now. I hate the voices for screaming at me today. They STILL want me to take the steak knife to my legs. What happens if I can’t say no any more?

I’m worried for my friend Y and my friend Harley Quinn- neither are having an easy time and I’m worried something bad might happen to them too.

Advertisements

2 comments on “found out.

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    Your mum sounds amazing. I’m happy she was there for you when you needed that the most. I am happy too that you went to the hospital. I know you did even though I’ve not read up on those posts yet.. XXXXX

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s