Drifting.

I keep cutting myself. I’ve cut my wrist again, my legs are a mess, I feel like a fake. I can’t hang on til Thursday! I don’t know what to do about anything again. I don’t want to keep existing in this dissociated mess, and I can’t think of a way all of this can get better without me really fucking up everything for everyone I know- my family, my friends, J, anyone else who knows me.

Anxiety fills me up again. Dissociation hits, and then I feel dizzy and I’m reaching in my pocket for my blades and wishing that I could stop my hand moving, but it moves anyway and then there’s blood and I STILL can’t feel anything. Numbness sets in and I let it wash over me.

I don’t know where I will end up. I have no clue.

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23 comments on “Drifting.

  1. thenarcissistwrites says:

    You’ll find a way through this.

  2. I want you to throw away the blades and replace them with crayons or paint brushes or anything not sharp. I really swear that art can help- smearing color and form around to express what’s going on in your head. It may be the hardest thing you do, but you have to focus on anything but self harm. Can you run it out? Cook, dance, sing, anything healthy that distracts. I know advice can be annoying, but anything I can do to help…You are worth it.

    • I really want to do anything else but cut, but when the urge happens it’s like my hands aren’t my own any more. I will try really hard to do something creative when I feel like cutting next, thank you xx

      • That sounds really scary, I’m so sorry that it’s such a brutal battle right now. I am sending you love and hugs and strength. Life is some fucked up shit sometimes! You are amazing and worthwhile though- I can tell you that positively, even though we’ve never met. You matter, and you deserve health and happiness, even if it’s a long road to get there. xoxo

      • Thank you so much. I’m trying really hard to tell the voices no today- if you see my most recent post, you’ll see why xxx

      • Sometimes the hospital can be really helpful, but trying to fight the battle in secret on your own- that’s doin’ it the hard way. The emotions will diminish with time, I promise. Years of therapy and different treatments taught me that- it does get better, and time does heal. You can do it! xxx

      • I’m going to the psychologist tomorrow and I’ll be telling her everything. Tried to tell her tonight on the phone but I was in the car with my Gran, and I didn’t want to upset her. xxx Thank you for the continued support xx

      • Good job! Thank goodness for good social support, it helps so much during the difficult times! Treat yourself as you would a precious child who is going through a difficult time. xxx

      • Actually, that’s a pretty accurate analogy. I feel like the damaged 15-year-old that I was when I met him. I want to just curl up in a ball with my blanket wrapped round me and cry. xxx

      • Oh sweetie, I do understand and I’m sorry. I think of PTSD as waves on the ocean. No matter how big they are, try to surf them instead of going under. xxx

  3. Can you knit? Knitting is brilliant for quietening the mind monkey especially if the pattern is complicated as you’ve got to really concentrate. or make jam, bread or both. Hell make the butter too. Or paint your bathroom, put some of your favourite music on and sing along in la-la-la-I’m-not-listening stylee. Your neighbours will think you’re barking but who gives a fuck about them anyway 😉 hang in there my lovely xx

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    Dissociation is such a terrible thing sometimes. But sometimes it helps us to go on. Try not to keep cutting. Your beautiful. Your kind, your caring, your you and we love you. XXXX keep fighting to stay alive! XXXX

    • Thank you!! I hate feeling dissociated but I remind myself that it is a survival mechanism and I can’t be hurt whilst I’m in a safe place with safe people when it happens now. xx

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