why do I even bother to write any more?

Well it seems you all got your wish- sadly I opened my eyes this morning, meaning my heart hadn’t given up on me during the night.
I still don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like jumping off something very high but apparently there are survival rates unless you land on your head. Great news, thanks internet. Guaranteed I would be that one landing on my legs.

Today I am supposed to function normally- I think so far I am doing well. I feel numb. Thanks to my blades again. I have missed this, not being on the rollercoaster of stupid feelings. No happiness, no excitement, no pain, just blessed numbness. I think I am going mad again, but that’s where I was destined to be all along.

Suicide is on the cards still. The dark passenger wants to know how long I’m going to (their words, not mine, particularly his words today) ‘dick around’ for. I’ve told them all I need a decent time to do it, but they’re insistent. Well, it doesn’t matter what I think anyway. I’ve always known I was going to die and they knew it too- they were biding my time, letting me have my little fantasy of recovery. Now that’s over, I’m actually kind of relieved. I can just wink out of existence and the dark passenger will finally be happy.


6 comments on “why do I even bother to write any more?

  1. *hugs* Please call a helpline or go to the hospital. Lots of love xxxxxxxxx

  2. there is so much pain in your posts recently. i wish I had the answer for you. please you are not alone in your feelings. Many of us understand your heart ache and feel it as well. I know how isolating it can feel and an outlet feeling hopeless. Please reach out. please keep writing. Purge all of the horrible thoughts from your mind onto this blog. shout it out to a stranger on a hotline. RAINN has an online chat hotline as well that is anonymous. keep fighting even when every cell in your body is saying otherwise. Your core, inner self knows that you can do this. I know you can do this. It will suck, but it won’t suck forever.

    • Thank you. I just had a couple of hours off feeling awful but the voices are telling me to kill myself again. I’m not sure if this is going to end with me dead or better. Thank you for your words, I’m trying to cling on this evening and the dark passenger hates that xx

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    I know I am late with this but I like you and I love your posts and I relate so much to them. Please don’t give up. I have future posts to read from you so I know you didn’t give up. Good. I for one am glad you are surviving. XXXX

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