tonight I’m fighting again, wearily and beddraggledly. I am exhausted, I am wounded, literally and metaphorically. I am at the point where I don’t know what to do any more- people want me to fight, the friends I’ve managed to talk to are so kind and good, as are all of you.
I just rang J and he’s been having a bad time but still managed to get me to take my valerian root, waiting on the phone til I did so, and then my friend Harley Quinn sent me a message that has made me cry.
Thank you Harley. Thank you for sending that message. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back- the voices are so pissed you sent it but it added to the slew of positive things that everyone has been saying. All of you tipped the scales and saved my life for tonight, and hopefully tomorrow too.
Oh gods, I know I’m as far down as I can be, but I need you all. thank you for keeping me company in hell.
J, Y, Harley, GoGoLogophile, Manyofus, Amber, R, Crashinglessons…. all of you and more, anyone who commented, said something nice, told me to try again… I owe you a debt of gratitude. Mr Robot- thank you for cracking me up, I’ve needed it. The lady in the shopping centre today who chatted to me about my gran’s trousers- you were lovely. Thank you.
The people who didn’t stare when I started twitching at the voices- thank you so much, you helped me deal with my paranoia by not looking.
Thank you mum, dad, sister and the rest of my mad family. I have needed you all so much and here you were, dealing with my silence and the fear that always produces.
Last, and not least, thank you to my Puppy. Your little canine body, folded in my lap, your enthusiastic puppy kisses all over my face, your trust in me and your unfailing love- thank you, this provided the tiny spark my Logophile friend was talking about. I limped through hell with you trying to bite my ears, cuddling up, and not taking my morosity for an answer. I think you had lessons from my old boikie Terry, sitting on the edge of the rainbow bridge, reaching a paw down to touch me when I needed him most.
And to you, my abuser-
FUCK YOU. I WILL FUCK YOU OVER SO HARD, YOU WILL FEEL IT IN THE NEXT LIFE. I HOPE ONE DAY YOU FEEL THIS PAIN TOO, AND I HOPE YOU NEVER RECOVER. TRY LIVING IN HELL FOR A BIT. I HOPE IT HURTS.
Thank you everyone, thank you.