Giving up.

It’s happened. I am back where I was in August last year.

I am numb and apaaathetic. I want to shut my eyes and wink out of existence. The voices want me to cut and I can’t think of a single reason left not to. Self harm might keep me alive or it might not. The dark passenger is thirsty for my life and wants to drink it all down.

J is depressed so I can’t talk to him. My family think that this morning I am fine. My friends don’t need this shit so I won’t be telling them either.

Ok, so when I do die, I’m leaving the earth with nothing good behind me name and a string of failures to my name. The dark passenger is ravenous. I lose my appetite, it gains weight and strength feeding off my pain.

I hate this. I hate being here and giving in, but it’s the only option left. I’ve tried everything else.

Mum and dad, sis, J- I love you, and I’m sorry. Bear that in mind when I die.


3 comments on “Giving up.

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    Please hang on hon. Please don’t die. You are not a failure. You are a good person. Please just hang in there.XXX

  2. *hugs* Take care, my dear. It is so hard to relapse but there is so much you’ve learned along the way and there have been good times too. Please don’t give up. Things will get better. Lots of love, xxxxxx.

  3. I missed this and and honestly had I seen this and not an update since, I am not sure I would survive it. I ache for you and wish I could take your pain away but obviously I don’t have that power. Seeing another suffer is heartbreaking, but you are so kind and talented and I just can’t … I really hope you can find a light, something to pull you from this. Some say everyone goes through life and at least once thinks of suicide and it’s like a light they either go towards or don’t – usually they don’t. People like us, suicide is always there. So we need something else. We needs reason to live to shine and tempt us instead – several wouldn’t hurt! I believe you have reasons. You should list them, if you haven’t don’t that. Everything from your puppy to a smell or sound you like. People like us, we need our reasons. We need our own light to tempt us to go on. Please find your. You’re so worth it!

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