The fight against programming is a hard one and it continues daily. Every day, I have to remind myself that it’s ok to talk about how bad I am feeling, or how good I am feeling. I have to tell myself that people want to hear that I am ok and living life well, or not doing great and really need a hand up or a friendly listening ear.
My ex hated me being happy. He hated it. He would pick holes in me when I had a good mood, and leave it deflating like a sad old helium balloon. He would get angry with me for crying or getting upset, and would claim that I was being overdramatic, emotionally blackmailing towards him. In the beginning of the relationship, he used to ask me to tell him any of my problems and he would try and help me work through them. After a short while, he changed his tune completely and told me I wasn’t supposed to go to him with my problems, oh no. Why was I so selfish? They were my problem, not his, and I should have known how to fix them all by now.
This is why I feel like I can’t speak to anyone sometimes. I feel stuck and alienated, alone in a world where people speak their mind with a big strip of gaffer tape plastered to my mouth.
It gets hard when I want to tell J about the state of my head, because he is my boyfriend and I truly L word him. Worse, my ex stole those three little words that mean so much and warped them so badly, I now can’t tell J how I really feel. I think he knows but I just can’t be sure til I tell him.
Programming from my ex has really done a number on me. I get so tired of fighting it.