Death to me, because I deserve it.

I tried desperately to stay awake last night, only to fall asleep faster than I had wanted. Cue nightmares. I am exhausted. I have to get up and maintain a semblance of normalcy and pretend I’m ok. I have work, my teaching little children I assist with, and I don’t want them tainted by my depression. So I grin and pretend I am fine, when I am really a wreck, a twisted burned out wreck. Something you hurl into a landfill to be forgotten forever.

J hasn’t rung in two nights. I’m scaring him away too now. It’s what I always do- find something good and poison it with my shit.

I’m going to listen to the dark passenger because they want me dead, and now so do I. I am over the hope that I will be better, because I never will be. There is no cure for PTSD, so I don’t get to find a way out of this. I will always be a horrific burden.

Time that burden ceased to be.


14 comments on “Death to me, because I deserve it.

  1. Somber says:

    I’m kind of a silent follower of your blog, too scared to ever comment I guess.

    I think the only cure for PTSD and other things is simply learning to live with it. It’s the constant process of healing, and growing, and learning new ways to view and experience life. Deep down I believe that everything happens for a reason, although I do struggle to remember that. But you deserve to live, and find a way to rise up. That doesn’t mean you will never struggle, or never hear voices again, but that you have the right, and the strength to keep on fighting it to have the life you deserve. They might be your voices, but they are not YOU.

    • Thank you- it has taken me four days to climb out of this horrible pit. I’m not done climbing for a while yet I think, but today I am seeing the light a little better. Thank you for your kind words x

  2. It's Now or Never Ever says:

    This is such a scary blog. I hope you write soon so that every one knows you are okay. I have PTSD. There may not be a cure but there are treatments and they work. Believe me. I’ve been in that dark place and it is frightening. You just need to reach out and find your safe place. Think of a time when things weren’t dark. Find a really good therapist.

  3. Oh sweetie, I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. You aren’t a burden, you aren’t poison or shit, you are just wounded. Lots of us with PTSD have been in that dark hellish place, and there is a cure: time and persistence. Please keep trying, you’re worth it. xoxo.

    • Thank you so much- I feel a bit better right now. I am hoping that I stay like this, the past few days have been unbearable. x

      • Life is some messed up battles sometimes. I’m glad you are so strong, but I’m sorry it’s so bloody difficult. I would honestly be fascinated to see what art you could produce during the rough times, and if it might help ease the pain a little. Sending you love and hugs!

      • The art I produce is what you read on my blog, so you read what I write at my darkest. I can’t draw, so my words are my art. Thank you for sticking by me x

      • Your writing is intense and I just feel like it’s really important that you tell your story. It’s an amazing work of art. xo

      • Thank you 🙂 I was never allowed to put any of my work on the internet- my psychopathic ex never allowed it- so it means an awful lot whenever I get a compliment. x

      • Humans are all so weird, but everyone has the right to express themselves. Ignore the haters, do the best we can, and hope for the best 🙂

      • Thank you very much. It means a lot to hear praise- I was told for years my writing was not good enough. x

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    I’m glad your still with us. Don’t give up. You are strong! XX

    • Thank you. I am very tired of struggling. I don’t want there to be a next time because I might do something I will regret. Today was a much better day, so I hope this week will be ok too x

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