Oh god. It is coming.
May is coming, and I am so frightened that it will happen. On the other hand, it would be a way out of this. This struggle for life, the idea that some magical fabled fucking day I will be better and everything will work out just fine.
Basically that day isn’t coming. May is, however, and I am fucking dreading it.
The voices of the dark passenger have scheduled my death in May. They wrote it in my journal. I’m supposed to die then. I feel like I will be able to do it, too. I am tired and worn out after another panic attack today, in public. My mum was angry with me for ‘letting this rule your life’. It is ruling my life, and it will never leave me. The male voice is angry with me because I am ‘blabbing our secrets’ all over the internet, and he thinks I need to just kill myself. My therapist asked them to consider the fact that if they kill me, they die too. They are still in denial over it, especially the female voice. She is very in denial.
I feel dissociative tonight, and I do not want to sleep. My panic attack was brought on by song lyrics, and I am still upset and flinching. Mum doesn’t seem angry with me right now but she was then, because she wants me to be better so badly and that my ex will stop having an effect on my life, but that is the problem- I have nearly six years of bullshit to go through before I can feel any better.
I am so tired, but I don’t want to sleep. I am frightened of what tomorrow brings- which is basically feeling triggered all the fucking time. The other huge problem is that they want me to cut and I am getting such strong cravings to go and do so.
What the fuck is wrong with me and why the fuck is this happening all over again?