A list of things I have ruined.

-myself.

-my skin.

-my family: I wasn’t there enough times in the past when they needed me.

-my health.

-friendships, most notably with H, and that guy A and his girlfriend. I fucked up so badly in both cases, I’m not surprised they either hate me or don’t want to talk to me again.

-J. He is amazing. I am not. One day he will see that and he will not want to stick around once he realises that I am not the good person he thinks I am.

-My life. Other people my age have houses and cars and children. They are doing their best. They have jobs. They run their own businesses. I have a handful of broken dreams and PTSD.

So there you have it. One day soon the dark passenger will win again, and I will rid the world of another fuck up.

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4 comments on “A list of things I have ruined.

  1. Marty says:

    Wow, so harsh with yourself. These are things of the past and life is a journey.

    You need not carry any of the past judgments going forward they are delusions.

    I accepted my flaws, the bridges I burnt on my healing journey.

    You are also perfect as your true self, and right now is brand new, just like you and me and all things are possible when you let go and just be here.

    My opinion but you may have a lot to give back when you heal.

    I have found a new life after healing of supporting others as a resource that I desperately needed at one time.

    Look at your self image and know we should never say anything negative about ourselves. Acceptance

    My opinion humbly Marty

    • I’m very harsh on myself, but I’m sure you know that programming from my abuser has made me so. I’ve always been harsh on myself, even before my ex, but he made it a hell of a lot worse.
      Right now I am fighting my way through a sea of anger and fear. I have a lot of problems learning to love myself, but I hope that now I’m in therapy, I will learn to be kinder to myself. x

      • Marty says:

        May I share with. You this neuroscientific fact. Whenever we say something harsh something negative it influences our self image.

        The ego will search our memory banks and make sure anything from the past that verifies this judgment is help by you.

        Our minds are plastic and using affirmations, repeated out loud starts changing self image, ego.

        Here are a couple I have posted and used. I resisted using affirmations but it made a large impact on me and others meditating with me at the time.

        .
        I deeply and completely accept all of myself unconditionally, the brilliant along with the flawed.
        .
        I strive with all my being to let go of judgment and live fully in this present moment.
        .
        My worthiness overflows my chalice, as life offers unlimited opportunity for me today.
        .
        .
        Marty

        Good healing

      • That’s a really good idea! Neuroplasticity is an amazing discovery, isn’t it? 🙂 I will try to say those positive things about myself each day. x

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