Home and safe.

I’m back in my home town and I am finally feeling safe. I am in pain for no apparent reason- low abdominal pain which I am wondering whether is body memories or not – but at least I am feeling safe. I have felt emotionally conflicted whilst I have been here but I am glad that I am with the family that cares so much about me.

My cousin had a wedding blessing, and we got to see the photos – she lives in America, so we had a video to watch of the crazy reception and the wedding itself. My cousin looked so beautiful in her dress, and my other cousin was calm, smiling and happy beside her. I felt a pang of regret that I couldn’t afford to fly out and spend time with them, but we will see them in Florida again this year.

What I have been struggling with is the relentless programming from my ex. He used to force me to keep all my emotions inside, until he would go cold and quiet for a few days, then unleash the full fury of his anger on me and all my damaged feelings would come spilling out. As I had been keeping everything locked inside me, for fear of “mithering” him, they were ragingly strong and he hated that. I used to apologise for everything when he got like that, and even now I am still programmed to believe that people are angry with me when maybe they are busy, or just haven’t got my text yet.

I feel this way a lot. I feel this way about all the relationships I have had since him. I am trying hard not to right now, but I am feeling the same about J, and I don’t want to. I want to trust that he is just very tired and busy, but the horrible nagging eggshell feeling won’t let me rest. I know that he is just having a hard time right now, and I am here for him, but this emotional flashback is driving me insane.

Does anyone else have experience with emotional flashbacks and how to deal with them?

In other, much better news, I will be seeing someone from a charity to help rape victims soon. I wrote to them asking for someone to help tide me over until I get my therapy, and they have said yes. They are currently finding me someone to see. I can’t disclose the name of the charity because of some long, complicated bullshit, but I am really pleased I will be getting real, practical help very soon.

Fingers crossed my emotional flashbacks subside soon.


3 comments on “Home and safe.

  1. I kind of get emotional flashbacks, when I’m really low, I remember how I used to contact C and she would help – but now when I’m low, I feel lonely without that contact. Dealing with it, I make myself contact someone who I have now (like you or another friend). With your case, it’s different, I think it’d be wise to do something similar, like if you can find a substitute, when Josh is tired or busy, put him in control, and ask him to contact you when he’s ready, but also don’t allow the long wait. Do something like “I’m free between [5 and 8], please contact me at some point during those hours whichever time is best for you” (Makes sense?) Then, whilst he’s busy, but you need someone, contact someone you know is free to chat. Hopefully, that will replace the negative emotions.

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