I’m back in my home town and I am finally feeling safe. I am in pain for no apparent reason- low abdominal pain which I am wondering whether is body memories or not – but at least I am feeling safe. I have felt emotionally conflicted whilst I have been here but I am glad that I am with the family that cares so much about me.
My cousin had a wedding blessing, and we got to see the photos – she lives in America, so we had a video to watch of the crazy reception and the wedding itself. My cousin looked so beautiful in her dress, and my other cousin was calm, smiling and happy beside her. I felt a pang of regret that I couldn’t afford to fly out and spend time with them, but we will see them in Florida again this year.
What I have been struggling with is the relentless programming from my ex. He used to force me to keep all my emotions inside, until he would go cold and quiet for a few days, then unleash the full fury of his anger on me and all my damaged feelings would come spilling out. As I had been keeping everything locked inside me, for fear of “mithering” him, they were ragingly strong and he hated that. I used to apologise for everything when he got like that, and even now I am still programmed to believe that people are angry with me when maybe they are busy, or just haven’t got my text yet.
I feel this way a lot. I feel this way about all the relationships I have had since him. I am trying hard not to right now, but I am feeling the same about J, and I don’t want to. I want to trust that he is just very tired and busy, but the horrible nagging eggshell feeling won’t let me rest. I know that he is just having a hard time right now, and I am here for him, but this emotional flashback is driving me insane.
Does anyone else have experience with emotional flashbacks and how to deal with them?
In other, much better news, I will be seeing someone from a charity to help rape victims soon. I wrote to them asking for someone to help tide me over until I get my therapy, and they have said yes. They are currently finding me someone to see. I can’t disclose the name of the charity because of some long, complicated bullshit, but I am really pleased I will be getting real, practical help very soon.
Fingers crossed my emotional flashbacks subside soon.