Programming sucks.

I hate my illness. I hate it so much. I have had enough of it.

The programming I went through with my ex has left it’s fucking mark. I have been ok during Christmas apart from being positive that J was angry with me, and a quick phonecall disproved that. Right now, I want to reach out, I want to connect and tell someone, anyone, and also him that I’m feeling bad and want help. The voices are not letting me. They want me to go back to suffering and feeling awful again.

Why can’t I tell the people closest to me, the people who have told me to ring them time and again, what is wrong?! Why can’t I say I feel bad and need help?

I don’t think I will sleep tonight.

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3 comments on “Programming sucks.

  1. moodymandi says:

    Sometimes you just need a friend or a word of encouragement. Maybe you could sip some herbal tea or some sort of comforting warm drink tonight, and meditate for a bit…or wind down…like I always use this ‘1 hour meditation candle’ on Youtube when I am so tense. I just load it up and give it a listen..lay back and let go of it all for a bit.

    Just go to the link above, and play this, it runs straight for an hour and is so soothing, and you can actually think straight or not think with it on…far better than our normal music when we are upset or aching in some way. I hope you will like it if you choose to give it a whirl! 🙂

    Much love to you tonight!

    -Mandi

  2. invisible_em says:

    I’m sorry you find it hard it tell people how you feel, I do too. I have to write things down to tell my therapist, perhaps you could do this for the people you want to tell things? It might seem like a dumb idea, but one has to start somewhere. xx

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