Diagnosis? Yeah right.

Today was D day. You know, something I had been dreading and looking forward to in equal measure. I have finally had a label slapped on me, and I am SO FUCKING ANGRY right now.

Apparently, I could have ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder’, which is, yes, you’ve guessed it, Borderline Personality Disorder.

Only, the Psychiatrist failed to tell me I apparently have BPD.

Apparently, ‘the label doesn’t matter, just finding out what works for you matters.’

Right now I am so angry I feel sick. Right now I want to scream. What is the POINT in explaining that I need HELP when all that happens is I am given a generalised diagnosis which is given to a lot of young women who also need HELP? What is the fucking point in telling him my ex RAPED ME, ABUSED ME emotionally and then tried to get me back if he wasn’t prepared to think about how that might fit into the picture?!

I’m so fucking done with this shit. I don’t see him again til March. In that time, hopefully Psychology will be in touch with me and my newly-perscribed antipsychotics will be working. That is, if they will.

I am ready to throw in the fucking towel with the NHS. I would accept this label if I believed it fit me. It fucking doesn’t. I don’t have unstable relationships with my family. I don’t have an eating disorder. I don’t get into physical fights or snap at people uncontrollably. I most CERTAINLY don’t use self-harm to get attention, as SEVERAL clinical websites have tried to tell me. Christ, I am so angry.

I thought the session went well. I thought I was listened to. I thought I was getting somewhere. The fact that he DIDN’T FUCKING TELL ME that EPD IS BPD blows my mind. Clearly I am fucking back to square one.

I wasn’t angry like this an hour ago, but since then I’ve done my research and I am so so angry for not having been listened to AGAIN. That’s what I feel. “Oh, she doesn’t fit happily into one diagnosis so let’s shove her in this box and hope she fits.” AGAIN.

WHEN am I going to get practical HELP for this?!?! J, my mum, my auntie, my dad and sister have all helped me FAR FUCKING MORE than any bloody psych. My friends have helped me. All these amazing people I know have held me when I cried, believed me when I told them about the rape, dried my tears, reassured me, taken me out when I needed it… the list goes on. They have HELPED me PRACTICALLY.

The NHS? I can see now I’m being bullshitted to again. I would be more content to accept this “diagnosis” if any of the mental health professionals actually KNEW what was involved in BPD, instead of taking wild and often derogatory guesses. I think it’s another way of saying to all of us diagnosed with this, “Shut up, you know you’re crazy, and nothing you say is true.”

Well I have had enough of that with my ex, thanks. If I am going to be treated this way by the NHS then there is nothing you can say to me that will change my mind. Screw you. I want out of the system if all that is going to happen is that I am treated as a stupid, silly little girl AGAIN by people who are promising to help me.

There isn’t a word for how I feel right now, but I think BETRAYED is the closest I can get to.

Sorry for all the swearing and the rant, but I am so angry and I have no clue what to do with it.

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21 comments on “Diagnosis? Yeah right.

  1. Sorry you didnt get the answers you were hoping for hun. The nhs psychs are totally useless sometimes.
    Keep well.

    • Thank you. I feel like I’ve been stuffed into the ‘she’s screwed’ corner. Pretty upset right now, thank you so much for your help x

      • Don’t let this psych docs diagnosis change your healing. They aren’t worth that. I know whay you are going through. Getting the right diagnosis is difficult. It probably feels like you can’t heal at all without a correct diagnosis. But trust me you can.
        You are strong! No matter the diagnosis you can heal.
        How can a psych doc diagnose the person they see for a hour or so?? They don’t even know you.
        If you need an ear, im listening!!!!

      • Thanks Bonny et al… I feel like I am being called manipulative and crazy all over again. This can’t be further from the truth. I just don’t fit the criteria! I feel like I’m being told I will never get better. Not even the doctors know what is involved in this diagnosis- there is too much guesswork involved and a whole lot of misunderstanding. xxx

      • You will get better!!! Your certainly not manipulative or crazy. Doctors sometimes just give general ised diagnosis because its easier than doing a difficult and serious assessment.
        Keep fighting it hun

      • Thanks so much! I want to get better so badly. I just want to be more functional and get appropriate help. x

      • It will all happen in time… keep on fighting!

  2. ok, don’t bite my head off, I am going to ramble a bit, and may not even make sense. First a diagnosis is not a label, despite a post I did on BPD recently. I am not going to dwell on.

    Diagnosis, not label, maybe a starting point to treating, maybe not correct also, tis not so easy to stamp a diagnosis on you. There are levels to BPD also, Did they go into this at all? Did they give you any antipsychotic meds yet?

    It is not a label though, if you have migraines you are not a migraine, if you have a broken leg, you are not a broken leg, do you see the trend?

    BPD is treatable, with medications and therapy it can be treated, sometimes to the point this diagnosis is removed. With all treatment it depends on how hard you try and apply what you will be taught, how you accept and apply treatment, and how good your therapy is too. I know this part is cruel. It is not meant to be, I am building you up right now. I am telling you there is hope, a lot of it, so Take a DEEP breath, today is the same as yesterday, you have not changed. This is not a label. you are still you.

    Take help that is offered, it will help. You may be surprised by your therapist when you meet them. Don’t dwell on any labels or even diagnosis’s. Just be you and take each day as it comes.

    *hugs*

  3. I’m sorry that your appointment with the psychiatrist didn’t go well. I’m surprised that he came to a conclusion so quickly and that he won’t see you again for months. When I first met my psychiatrists (I’ve had two), we had a few lengthy appointments to reach a diagnosis and then we kept up steady appointments as we tried one drug after another to try to manage things. I thought our system in Canada was similar to the NHS, but maybe not. Are you able to see someone else? I think that if you don’t have a good relationship with your doctor, it’s harder to get proper treatment.
    I’m happy that you have such a supportive family and social network to help you through this. Take care! *hugs*

    • I’m going to take your, and J’s, advice and ring the psychologist who referred me. I am so done with being shoved from pillar to post. I want a proper answer, and I have had it with being subdued. Thank you so much for your comment! I am actually thinking of ringing them back too and asking if I can see another psychiatrist sooner because March is too long away to wait. xxx

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