Exhaustion

Today, I am tired. Today, I feel uneasy and lost. I feel like I’m floating in that fog, dazed and confused, and what little light there is throws up distorted reflections of my own shadow.

I’m really missing my American, too. I want an embrace from him. I wish I could be next to him, but there’s miles and miles separating us, so I have to be alone. I feel on days like this that I overestimated how long my good mood of the previous day or two would last, and now I’m limping on with just a flagging sense of willpower left.

Maybe I should try talking. Maybe I should go and do something. Maybe I should stop thinking about me and start being less selfish. Oh, that was sneaky- thanks for that, dark passenger.

I don’t think I should. I’m always complaining about the inner contents of my head. The people around me are definitely starting to get impatient. I’m supposed to be better by now, so maybe I should stop pitying myself and get the fuck on with killing myself.

Again, thanks for that, dark passenger. You really know how to make a girl feel special.

Maybe I will always have this in my head. If so, and I find out that is the case after the 9th, what is left for those who know me but more pain?

I’m really stuck today. I knew my weekend was a brief island. Back to the storm of everyday life.

I want dawn to break, or to drown if that’s not possible. Just stop throwing me ropes that break, life, please.

It’s more than a little cruel.

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20 comments on “Exhaustion

  1. You are not alone. That darkness is suffocating. I hope the light can peek through the cracks for you soon.

    • Thank you. I’m in a very dark place today. I’m starting to wonder if I will ever get better. x

      • I believe you will. I know it seems impossible when it’s so dark. The harder the struggle, the stronger you’ll be when you come out of it. I’m not sure I know exactly how you feel, but I survived my own personal hell and I am better because of it. I hope the same for you. Hang on, my friend.

      • Thank you so so much for your supportive words. I’m less upset and dissociative this evening, and I am trying to take care of myself whilst I’m not doing well. I would love to skip to the end where everything is ok. x

  2. I strongly suggest some exercise, perhaps a workout or even a walk, but contact too with family or friends. Tell that DP to go stuff it. 🙂

  3. Hi there, don’t feel you have to meet some timetable. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, but things get better. If you don’t feel you can voice your feelings to your friends, there are always your blogging friends to listen. 🙂 Maybe try to do something nice to yourself today? A bubble bath, a meditation or yoga class, a walk… I always find it hardest when I am judging myself and heaping on expectations. *hugs*

    • Hi- Thank you thank you thank you for saying that stuff about the timetable!!! It really helped! It gets me down so badly when I’ve not been sticking to my own imaginary timetable and I feel so so guilty, but that comment helped me to feel validated for having a bad day… (I know, I know… nuts!) I had a lovely bath and I talked it out with my flatmate and my mum. x

      • Oh good, I’m glad! I’ve learned the hard way that we are our own worst critics and that trying to meet imaginary expectations just makes things take longer. My mindfulness teacher suggested I try loving kindness meditations. Maybe something to try? Take care. 🙂

      • Thank you for that- I’ll do some research on that and try it out. I have my friends to help with remembering to be positive- they will always help me out of my low points. 🙂

  4. Sorry you feel this way. know that we are listening.

    Hugs x

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