A letter to America

I need you today. I really need you. I need your arms round me. I need your calm American voice telling me that everything’s going to be ok, baby.

Today my world is tinged in grey. I feel like I’m drowning. Emilie Autumn was so right- she knows how it feels to drown in other people, the urge to cut, the voices in your head and the depression that fogs every single day. I know you know that pain too- that’s why I turn to you and I know you will understand me.

I am lost in the contents of my own head today. I am trying to cling on the the good mood of yesterday, trying to cheer myself up and feel less anxious, less hopeless. I feel like just one warm embrace from you would fix that. I miss you.

I just want to be normal. I want to be a person who can function as everyone else does, free of this cloud of horror that shrouds my life. Is this my lot forever, this lack of life? It wasn’t like that with your loving hand buried in my curls.

At this point in time, where the only things I have of you are snippets of last night’s conversation playing in my brain, I’m clinging on for the next time we can be together. I’m already picturing what it will be like to have you unreservedly for three weeks. I’m wondering about the future too, and thinking about the next time after that. I want our silences, our conversations, our kisses. I want the time where we don’t need to say anything, just lying there and staring into each other’s eyes will say it all.

Maybe you’re one of my antidepressants. I think you are. Right now, you’re the only thing today that is keeping me hanging on.

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6 comments on “A letter to America

  1. Wow, you’re amazing. I don’t need to meet you to see how beautiful you are. I know it’s hard living with mental illness, and yours sounds brutally difficult. Thank you so much for writing about your battles. It can be really isolating, but there’s lots of us out here. We just need to find and support each other 🙂 It will get better, you can do it!!!

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