Future?

Hi all…

Basically, I am still struggling with my future. I want to know what I should do. I feel like I am at a crossroads in life.

The problem is as follows. With my head in the state it is in, and the enormous pressure of the dance world, I am seriously worried about having another breakdown. I am finally feeling more stable- my mood score for the past two days has been 66%, which is a read achievement for me. I am frightened the stress of moving away from home again. I am frightened of the huge whirl of the world of dance and the cutthroat world of auditions outside of the environment of the company I was in. I have been told I can go back to them, but I don’t want to cut. I don’t want to be offered the temptation of being alone and unmonitored where the voices will literally scream at me to commit suicide, and they won’t be happy without my pain.

Mum is incredible, and says I can try it out and if it doesn’t work, there is no shame in coming home. She is right, of course, but I am really frightened that I am making a mistake.

What if I don’t have the head for this any more? What if I do have to come home after trying to dance again and I’m a wreck and I have to start all over again? I’ll have wasted time and money and I will have got nowhere…

I love the company. I love dancing. I love my friends down south. I want to see them all again and I want to dance… but I don’t know whether I can do it.

It is tearing me apart.

I have other things that I know I would find completely fun and really rewarding to do. I have plans that I want to fulfill and there are so many things that I have realised I enjoy doing that I could make a career from. So am I making a mistake in going back, or am I really doing the right thing here by going back to try again?

I feel like I should make a decision soon. I feel like it is part of the thing that’s been upsetting me and triggering me over the past few days.

Problem is, I don’t know if I will make the right decision.

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5 comments on “Future?

  1. Living Beyoutofully says:

    I think it’s best not to think of an outcome of a decision as a mistake. From what I read here; it seems like you won’t be making a mistake either way you choose. Your mother said that you can come back home if things don’t work out. That’s a security many people don’t have if they were to make a decision. Now I won’t tell you a “here’s what I would do” statement because I’m not you but you won’t know if you won’t go. But hey if you go; it just may WORK OUT! If you don’t, as you said you have plenty more options. And IF things go wrong, though we don’t want to go into either decision with that mindset;….over the past weeks from reading your post…it seems like you have a great support team to help you the whole way through it. Whatever you do, know that YOU can do it. You are in my prayers Stark : ) God Bless

    • Thank you!! Thank you so much! I am still conflicted about it but you are so right. I was upset and confused that evening, and reading this made me feel a lot lot better. I am waiting for a psychiatry appointment soon, so I will start thinking about everything after that has happened. xx

  2. leftylola says:

    I agree with the commenter above me. That’s very sound advice. You have many options, but you never know what the outcome will be unless you try. Whatever decision you make, go into it with a plan to use your support system to help you through the times when you’re alone or whenever you feel you need them. I think that’s really important. You are in my thoughts. You’ve gotten this far, I know you can go further.

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