Last night I dreamt that I was back in Florida. I dreamt that I was with J. The dream was so fantastic, and it continued in the same vein as the holiday- chilled out, relaxed, fun… with my family involved and this incredible feeling of support. I felt the same horrible choked up feeling in my dream as I did in real life, when I knew that I had to leave and go home. J was just the same in my dream as real life. I woke up expecting to be next to him on the couch, before kissing him goodnight and heading up to bed. I almost cried when I woke up and realised it was actually a dream.
What has happened to me?
I was terrified of physical intimacy. I was terrified of being naked. I was horrified by the thought of getting close to anyone again… Now, I’m clinging on to memories that make me shiver in happiness, and yearn for the sound of his voice or his touch. Thank gods I have his music to listen to, or I would be stir crazy by now.
Today, I had my friend K over again to visit. I love her. She is so patient and kind with me, and she actually got to spend time with me when I wasn’t having a panic attack or being plagued by voices. Yes, they do still speak to me whenever they can, but I managed to spend the majority of today and last night just laughing NORMALLY with her, like we used to, and just chatting about inconsequential random crap. That’s what I have missed- that normality, that stability.
Having said that, I haven’t exactly had a week of sunshine and roses. I worked very hard for two days at the start of this week, trying to earn some money to get back to America to see J. That was ok. The day after that, when I was supposed to be chilling out and recuperating from my early starts, I had a very aggressive attack of the voices.
The dark passenger has been beyond pissed off that I have been doing better and earning money. It hates that I am trying to recover.
I was standing in the laundry room, sorting out the washing, and they went for my throat like hounds at a fox. I was fine one minute, the next shaking and sweating and craving the knife to slice furrows into my arms. I could see the shock in my family’s faces, and I could feel the blood rolling down my arms as if it was real. They were screaming at me to do it, telling my my life was worthless.
I ran upstairs, wrote in my journal, and it still didn’t let up- so I rang J. He made me calm down just by answering the phone. He told me to remember they are not real voices- they are thoughts in my head that make me think awful things, and they have merely been manifested into voices that frighten me and upset me. These thoughts were planted there by my ex boyfriend, and they are now voices. Thinking like that, hearing him speak to me, feeling safe… this made me calm at last and made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy. Again, I had the control to say no and put the voices down. Also we ended up discussing the miscarriage, and somehow he gave me peace with that as well.
J told me I could ring him at any time, that I could be sure he would pick up the phone, and I had to stop apologising- it’s what he does for me.
I felt like crying again.
Tonight has been stressful too. I have been panicking recently about what the hell to do about my future. I feel like my head is in a strange half-better place, where I can think just enough about the future to panic about it, and not see a solution. I broke down in tears in the kitchen today, trying to make tea with my mum. I’d finished chopping up the green beans with scissors (not allowed knives because of the trigger issues) and I just asked her what do you do when you don’t know what to do? She knew I was worried because of my tone of voice, and asked me what did I mean.
Out came the worries about whether or not my head is stable enough to cope with a dance job. Also, the fear over whether I would be able to cope with one if I had one, plus all the inherent money worries that go with it. I was so upset about not having something to cling on to for stability- I have earned quite a bit this week just from working for a staffing agency, and I have really enjoyed being able to earn my own money for once. It has been quick and easy to earn, and I have found myself wondering if I really am in the right job. I have always had an interest in private coaching for able children who want to audition for full time dance schools, and I have always had and interest in massage and physiotherapy. I genuinely enjoy helping others, and I often see the potential in others that I can’t see in myself.
Mum is so wise. She told me that I should try going back to the company I was with before I broke my back and giving it one last try, to really see if dancing is want I want to do as a career. I am going to try again and see if my head can take the immense pressure, and then I am going to focus on other things if I find that I’m slipping again. I have spent the last year, pretty much, in a void, and I am so sick of not being able to cling on to something to make me feel whole, worth something, real.
Thank gods I have my family, my friends, my sister and my boyfriend. I need to be anchored. I am so seasick, and I hate this floating in the middle of nowhere.