Yesterday I saw the psychologist- I’m still exhausted today as it was so emotional. I was brutally honest with her and I tried really hard not to forget anything important. I told her about the dark passenger, the suicidal feelings, the ex, the assault, even J… I told her about my amazing family and friends.
As any good psychologist would be, she was very concerned about the voices, and I answered a lot of questions on them. She also wanted to know about my self harm, and the psychiatrist. She wasn’t happy that I had been written off by the psychiatrist as I had- even to the point where she said ‘well, everyone gets sad sometimes’- and my psychologist immediately said “there’s a big difference between just being sad and depression”. I laughed and said there’s a big difference between feeling sad and wanting to kill yourself.
I told the psychologist that a lot of the time I feel like a stupid overdramatic child, struggling to get by in a world that’s too big and complicated for her. She said to me that I am not a stupid child, and my problems are legitimate and quite serious.
When I told her about the rape, I was in floods of tears. She sat there, looked me in the eye, and apologised for me having to go through all of this. I think that’s one of the nicest things I’ve ever had a mental health professional say to me. She clearly didn’t want me to feel like I’d felt with the psychiatrist.
I told her about all the hallucinations I’ve had, all the flashbacks, the horror of thinking you’re going crazy because the voices in your head tell you to cut yourself… she wasn’t fazed by it but she was concerned that I had been brushed off by the psychiatrist. She asked me if I’d been diagnosed. I said no.
So her response to all this? She’s going to read through all my notes, sort out reports of my progress (if I keep seeing her, that is) to send to my GP, and she is going to talk to some of her colleagues who specialise in what has happened to me. Maybe from them I will get a diagnosis… Who knows?
At least I am on the right track now. At least someone is bothered about me and the state of my head. At least now I can start trying to rebuild my life whilst trying to ignore the dark passenger, and concentrate on my dancing. I was at the hospital on Monday – the physio there discharged me! I only have to worry about the consultant discharging me now.
J has his own demons. He was worrying that because I’m so excited and impatient to see him, I would get bored and wander away. The truth is the very opposite- the excitement is made even better with the wait to see him again. I am completely crazy about him and would no more leave him than my family. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and he was so happy. I wish I had arrived on the scene earlier, so I could have told him these things for longer.
Now, we wait foe the next installment of the saga. I hope it brings more good news- I’m sick of the bad. It’s my turn to be happy now.