I wrote in my journal, and probably on here, that I never wanted another relationship again. I know I wrote about having a phobia of men, and I have written about my assault at the hands of my manipulative ex boyfriend.
But what do you do when love decides that you were dealt a shitty hand, and it throws you in at the deep end?
The voices are calling me a slut for it. They have been telling me I’m just an easy whore, a bitch that likes it, and that I am fooling myself that I deserve happiness. However, I have been better able to deny the dark passenger since J came into my life.
He has literally been there with me at some of the darkest moments of this hell I’m living in. I rang him in hysterics when they wouldn’t shut up on evening, and he calmed me down. I have laughed a lot with him, and we have got on like a house on fire. We both saw each other as friends… Until he came to visit me.
We spent only a day together here in the US, but it was enough. There was something in our time together that kept surfacing and finally had it’s way when a hug that we shared sparked such a deep happiness in us both.
He knows about my attack, and he is treating me like a princess. I am still scared of physical intimacy but a hug from him is perfectly fine, or a kiss. I keep feeling like a whore but I know it’s just the voices. J tells me to ignore them.
He had to go back for a couple of days, but I see him again on Tuesday. I am so excited. I am so lucky.
I know when I get back to England, it will be so hard. The voices will be vicious. But I know I have another link now, a link to keep me fighting.
Maybe together we will win.