Post number two of today, but I had to write this.
I am tormented by voices that tell me to die. They have made my smash my fist into my head. They have made me cut my ankle open by kicking out in anguish. They have made my take a blade to my own skin so many times I have lost count. I live in hell, and I hate it.
One of the people I saw for a while emailed me a couple of days ago. I wasn’t going to write about this because I feel completely responsible about what happened between me, him, and his girlfriend. That’s a story for another time. I was used pretty badly and so was she, but i still blame myself because I’m a promiscuous bitch who deserves no better. Ugh, thanks for that dark passenger- I see you’re awake too. Lovely.
However, the email I received was pretty much part guilt trip and part ‘reassure me please’ letter. He said that he couldn’t live with himself if I die. He said that he wants the three of us back together again. He said he feels responsible. And, best of all, he said he knows about the dark passenger.
Ok, what the hell!?!
He CANNOT know about the dark passenger. It is an entity in MY head. I have horrible violent things said to me and suggested that I do to myself EVERY FUCKING DAY. I see blood more than I see hope. I see death more than I see life for myself. I have a DATE OF DEATH planned for me. How does he think he KNOWS about this when the voices are screaming at ME?!
It is understandable that everyone has probably heard a voice at some point in their lives, and I know as well as anyone how judgemental the voice can be. What I am hearing is different. I am hearing voices that have planned my death. They scream at me. They laugh at me. They hate me.
Please don’t tell me you know exactly what this is like, sir, because you don’t have any idea about the hell I live in each day. I have no chance of beating them without serious psychiatric help. I am fighting for my sanity, day in, day out.
To tell me to “fight on” is cruel. I can’t!!! I don’t want to live like this any more! I hate my life! I hate the dark passenger! If I can’t fix this, I am better off dead! I am lost, torn in pieces, erased from life already because of the crippling anxiety I feel, the hideous terror of the voices, and the sweet numbness I still feel when I take a blade to my skin.
So don’t tell me it will be better. Don’t tell me you “know about” the dark passenger. Please just do yourself the kindness of forgetting me, the shit I did to you and her, and erasing this fucked- up bitch from your life. I am poison, and the dark passenger knows it.
Please, A, go and make yourself a life away from me and the terror that lives inside my head. Take her, that girl who I’m not fit to kiss her shoes, and run.
My terror has found me, and it is greedy for my life.