Hi all. Things are not great.
A couple of days ago, I was at the beach with my mum and sister. It was ok, being there- the waves were lovely, high and crashing out at sea- there were birds, crabs, shells… I love nature at the beach. I hated, however, having a conversation about the dark passenger with my mum.
I was telling her what it does to you when you have three voices yelling at you all the time. She asked me if I wanted the voices there. I said of course I didn’t. She said it sounded like I did.
Before I go any further, I was probably mishearing her. I am willing to bet anything that the dark passenger made me hear that. It sure found that phrase a fun handle to latch on and torment me with. Later on, I told her I was sorry for having them in my head, and she said I shouldn’t apologise, and of course she knew that I didn’t want them there. I love her so much, but I’m worried she is in denial about how real these voices are to me. She has done her best today to help me with them, but the voices have been vicious.
They called me a whore and a slut today. The female one was telling me she knew what I was like with men and I was no angel. They’ve been telling me that they know I haven’t been cutting enough, and that I’m completely selfish and worthless, and I will die on the 5th. They’ve been so angry I told you, and the it voice has been telling me that they’re going to take over my body and make me delete everything on here and just write that I’m ok. I fought them so hard all day. I called them names, I shouted at them, I used music to drown them out. I still ended up in hysterics, tears pouring down my face and new cuts smarting on my lower stomach.
I am losing my mind. I am falling apart.
I want them to shut up and leave me be. I am sick of this, the constant barrage of hate. Why me? Which one of the pantheon thought it was funny to pin me like a bug and watch me squirm?
I am going to try telling my family if the voices will let me. They’ve been amazing with me, especially yesterday when I was having a panic attack and my sister held me close. She made me do silly exercises until I felt better. My auntie even gave up her wheelchair to let me sit in it when my back went yesterday, after walking around the theme park. I feel guilty that they are so good with me and I’m always a problem.
If I am a problem, I need to be solved.