Problems

Hi all. Things are not great.

A couple of days ago, I was at the beach with my mum and sister. It was ok, being there- the waves were lovely, high and crashing out at sea- there were birds, crabs, shells… I love nature at the beach. I hated, however, having a conversation about the dark passenger with my mum.

I was telling her what it does to you when you have three voices yelling at you all the time. She asked me if I wanted the voices there. I said of course I didn’t. She said it sounded like I did.

Before I go any further, I was probably mishearing her. I am willing to bet anything that the dark passenger made me hear that. It sure found that phrase a fun handle to latch on and torment me with. Later on, I told her I was sorry for having them in my head, and she said I shouldn’t apologise, and of course she knew that I didn’t want them there. I love her so much, but I’m worried she is in denial about how real these voices are to me. She has done her best today to help me with them, but the voices have been vicious.

They called me a whore and a slut today. The female one was telling me she knew what I was like with men and I was no angel. They’ve been telling me that they know I haven’t been cutting enough, and that I’m completely selfish and worthless, and I will die on the 5th. They’ve been so angry I told you, and the it voice has been telling me that they’re going to take over my body and make me delete everything on here and just write that I’m ok. I fought them so hard all day. I called them names, I shouted at them, I used music to drown them out. I still ended up in hysterics, tears pouring down my face and new cuts smarting on my lower stomach.

I am losing my mind. I am falling apart.

I want them to shut up and leave me be. I am sick of this, the constant barrage of hate. Why me? Which one of the pantheon thought it was funny to pin me like a bug and watch me squirm?

I am going to try telling my family if the voices will let me. They’ve been amazing with me, especially yesterday when I was having a panic attack and my sister held me close. She made me do silly exercises until I felt better. My auntie even gave up her wheelchair to let me sit in it when my back went yesterday, after walking around the theme park. I feel guilty that they are so good with me and I’m always a problem.

If I am a problem, I need to be solved.

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10 comments on “Problems

  1. BreOfficialBlog says:

    I’m so glad your going to try to tell your family about this and that you did talk to your mum about it. Always good to not go through what your going through alone. Your family really seems like they genuinely care with what they do know. I know and it is evident around us, of what “several” voices by other people( the people around us ) calling each other horrible names and stuff and it can definitely take a toll on these bodies! Those voices…negative voices…you are NO W word or S word ( I dislike those words very much ). You are not at all selfish or worthless and you can get through this! As I previously said, you aren’t here alone..I’m here and I hear you…

    • Thank you so much for what you wrote- I’m having a better day today, so far only one voices episode. I hope there is some way of me being able to tell my parents about the 5th- I have tried before but the voices have stopped me. The dark passenger is a persistent entity. I wish it didn’t exist.

      • BreOfficialBlog says:

        No problem at all Stark, that’s better to hear. Hmm, if you can’t “tell” them, maybe you can send them your blog post that talked about it or even write a letter or something. Once it is sent, it is sent. I know sometimes it is hard to SAY certain things but easier to write them in an email or something. Just brainstorming here.

      • That’s a great idea!! Maybe I ought to write them a letter, I know that would help me feel less nervous. Thanks!

      • BreOfficialBlog says:

        You are very welcome : )

  2. Have you told them of the date and message?

    Be strong! But not alone.

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