What’s left?

This morning was a bad morning.

I’m at a summer course for ballet, and I’m expending so much energy trying to look happy and normal. My social anxiety is manifesting itself as hyperness, instead of the twitching and the fear. I think, ballet-wise, I’ve been doing pretty well, but the toll on my back has been greater than I realised.

This morning I woke up and couldn’t move. I was exhausted and being able to get out of bed was a horrible event. I made it to the bathroom and started crying on the short way back (my room is an ensuite) to bed. I climbed back in and lay there feeling awful, tears rolling down my cheeks.

The first thing I thought of was how disappointed my mum would be. After that, how disappointed would the staff be? The voices all started laughing at me and telling me just how pathetic I was, and that they knew I would never make it back into dancing as a career. Just look at me! Lying in bed and not even able to get up! Stupid.

Mum came in and wasn’t disappointed at all. She is amazing when I’m upset. She tucked me back up and gave me two codeine, and just like that i was unconscious.

This episode has worried me so much. I knew I had done a serious injury when I first was at the doctor’s, lying on the floor because I couldn’t even sit on a chair, but now the true implications of what I did have sunk in.

I will never be able to do this as a career, will I? I have been in limbo over this, because I thought that despite my mental illness, I stood a very small chance of getting my body fit enough to dance again.

I literally have no future. I haven’t been able to hold down a steady job since being in London. I am ill-qualified for everything. I am 23 and can’t go and get my A Levels without paying for them, and I can’t go back to uni because I used a university loan for some of my dance training. I am a waste of space.

The dark passenger finds this funny. All three of it’s voices are in unison when they say, “Now you know we were right, you silly bitch. Go and cut.”

For the life of me I have no choice. I’m sorry I’ve relapsed again, but they won’t shut up!


11 comments on “What’s left?

  1. The voices in your head aren’t you. They’re not the lovely pure soul that is within you. I know firsthand how hard it is to get rid of those voices and stop cutting but I know you can do it. Dig deep within yourself and tap into the beautiful spirit that has gotten drowned out by experiences and self hate. You are love at your very core. I was able to rise above all of my issues through meditation. It was so hard at first to shut up the voices in my head but now it’s easy and brings me so much peace. I’ve now started teaching folks how to meditate. I wish you nothing but the best and have no doubt that you will conquer this!

  2. waste of space? omg no. teaching ballet could be something you can slip into very quickly, you would be great at it.

    stick your tongue out at those voices, tell them they are silly. fight that urge to cut. Tell yourself how great you are, you are the only one that can do this, go look in the mirror now and whisper it.. then say it louder, then shout it.

  3. Howisbradley says:

    No one is a waste of space. Even you.

  4. leftylola says:

    I agree with all the commenters above. You are not a waste of space. You’re hurting, and those voices are telling you awful lies.

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