I am in a world that I didn’t believe existed. This place actually has some light to see by. I think I can see a future of some sort for myself. It doesn’t have to end with death, I hope.
I told J as we kissed goodbye today that I would not die. I intend to keep that promise. I want to make sure that the faint future i can finally see stays put and the void of the dark passenger doesn’t swallow it up again.
I am still plagued by them. I know that I could possibly still end up in hospital but at the minute i want to live, and if I have to be cared for there then so be it. J has helped me tell the voices to fuck off and it does work, for a while, but they do creep back in when I’m alone. I know I have to try and tell my parents about the 5th. I know I am probably not better by a long chalk. But the fact that the only man I can stand to be that intimate with me is him.
He is very special in that case. I still flinch away from.men and avoid walking close to them- a waiter had to put a dish down in front of me, using both hands so I was trapped in the circle of his arms. J had hold of my hand and saw me flinch and squeeze my eyes shut, and he slipped his own arm round me to quiet me when he saw my fear. I can’t quite believe it. He kissed the scars on my wrist and he has told me he thinks that they are battle scars.
I have a lot to beat. I have demons to slay and dragons to tame. But my knight in shining armour is here to help, and it feels more like I’m going to win. I’ll win because we are together.