Tired.

I am tired. This 23 year old body is exhausted, like a racehorse out of its prime. I fight against the contents of my head permanently. The dark passenger lives to kill me, and I’m running out of strength to say no.

I relapsed again with all the harsh desperation of a junkie. I want to press the blade to my skin so so much each waking moment. I keep thinking about the time I ended up in A and E and I want to inflict worse damage on myself this time. I want to live and I want to die and it is that dichotomy that is tearing my head into messy shreds.

I am beginning to agree with the dark passenger. He knows (yup, we’re back to he tonight) that I am stupid and weak, and he is ‘watching to see that I get it done’- his words.

I’m so tired. Please let me sleep. Please.

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12 comments on “Tired.

  1. Howisbradley says:

    I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. I hope you quickly realize that you are not stupid and weak. Just the fact that your blogging proves that’s not true.

  2. Hey you i too have felt exactly like you. Tired. soul depleted. kicking and screaming when people were like “GET OUT OF BED”! its not a easy journey this, and the feeling that fights you is a scary thing

    follow my blog, or go to:
    fromwoundstowisdom.weebly.com

    i think it might offer some inspiration. and shed light on these emotions and feelings you are going through x

  3. leftylola says:

    I wish I could say something to help. There are no words to describe how scary it is when you’re scared of yourself. I just hope you keep fighting because you’ve been a nice person to me in my short time blogging, and I thank you for that.

  4. katlwales says:

    Keep strong, you are worth more than you are yet to realise 🙂 and hopefully one day soon you will x

  5. Scarred says:

    I have been gone, caught in my own hell, but know that I wish for you to find the relief you need. I wish for you to heal. I hate to see you hurting.

    • Scarred, the fact that you’re willing to put aside your pain to comfort me is amazing. I’m so grateful for that, thank you.

      • Scarred says:

        My pain will subside in time. Grief sucks. But that doesn’t mean I can ignore the other people I care and worry about because of it. Life goes on. His pain has ended. Mine will continue for a long while, but eventually, it will pass. In the meantime, I will do what I can to be there for anyone who needs me. If nothing else, it will renew the sense of purpose I lost with his passing.
        Always here for you. Even when I’m gone. Feel better Hun.

      • Clearly you are that rare thing- a true friend. Thank you so much 🙂 it makes me feel a bit better after a hard day flying. I hope the holiday will sort me out. X

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