I am tired. This 23 year old body is exhausted, like a racehorse out of its prime. I fight against the contents of my head permanently. The dark passenger lives to kill me, and I’m running out of strength to say no.
I relapsed again with all the harsh desperation of a junkie. I want to press the blade to my skin so so much each waking moment. I keep thinking about the time I ended up in A and E and I want to inflict worse damage on myself this time. I want to live and I want to die and it is that dichotomy that is tearing my head into messy shreds.
I am beginning to agree with the dark passenger. He knows (yup, we’re back to he tonight) that I am stupid and weak, and he is ‘watching to see that I get it done’- his words.
I’m so tired. Please let me sleep. Please.