Relapse

I did it. I relapsed. The new blades are really sharp and so pretty. I feel like a failure again, ashamed and dirty. Maybe this is what I am forever, all I ever am. I’m nicely anaesthetised, though. All emotion is fading, and soon this shame will vanish too.

Maybe there is no end to this, and I will always be a screwed up failure, addicted to the blade and to death. One day I might finally succeed and get there and die and finally alleviate the world of my presence, because I am worthless, just like the dark passenger tells me I am.

What is the point of asking for help when everything just gets worse? What is the point of living when all I do is die every day in my own head and the dark passenger wins?

I’m sorry. All I do is fail everyone. I should just man up, get on with life and stop complaining, or finish the job I tried to start when I ended up in A and E.

The dark passenger, sluggish and sated, yawns and agrees with me. “The quicker the better. Hurry up.”

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10 comments on “Relapse

  1. ❤ you're not a failure, and I won't let you die!

  2. leftylola says:

    I agree. You are not a failure! But I also know that there is no convincing you otherwise because the pull of that “dark passenger” is a far stronger influence than anything outside. I’m in your corner, though, rooting for you. Keep fighting, girl.

  3. theheartofatroubledmind says:

    You haven’t failed, not at all and relapsing is a part of recovery and sooner or later you will make it past this, I have total faith in you:)

  4. Wanting to stop is a great sign. It says a lot about you. Stopping is not always as easy though. So dont give up.

    you have time on your side. Take it. Ask for help to. You are not failing, there will be steps forward. .. and steps backwards. Learn from both.

    Tell yourself you are great. You can do it. It is just time and trying.. and some help.

    hugs
    Amber

    • Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Today I am feeling better so I’m more likely to make it. I hope I keep going.
      The reason I keep saying ‘I hope this and that will happen’ is because I permanently feel out of control. I tried to deny the existence of the dark passenger but I can’t any more. It is a real voice in my head, and I’m frightened of it.
      Thank you for your hugs. I need them.

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