Pre-crash mania

When I’ve written about being on a high before, I haven’t mentioned what I mean. I don’t do drugs: this is not a chemically-induced high I’m on about. This is when my brain, for some reason best known to itself, decides that I need a period of several months where I feel like I am totally invincible. I am deliriously happy, I am able to plan ahead and sort out contingency plans if things go wrong. I spend a bit more than I really should, I am sociable, I burn the candle at both ends and am so up for going out. I get speeded up, and I am promiscuous. I take stupid risks. I eat good food, and lots of it. I laugh a lot. I’m speeding at 2000 k/ph and loving it.

The problems start happening when I crash through the central reservation and into the wrong lane, my foot welded to the pedal. Life gets very frightening. I sleep even less. I hate how I speak. I know I’m going in the wrong direction and it terrifies me, but I have to keep going because that’s what is expected of me. But I am losing control, I’m starting to not text back, I don’t answer phone calls. I start to lose the ability to read and write poems and my appetite dwindles a bit. Panic and chaos sets in.

Then, I crash, and that is the start of bad things.

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7 comments on “Pre-crash mania

  1. you are describing mania, that time where you are invincible. but you know this from your tag.

    • Thank you for your validation- I have been wondering so much whether this is mania, but I never realised quite how much my symptoms fit.

      • uncontrollable urges, many times in the form of spending. That feeling that you can do anything, take on the world. Fast talking, little sleep needed, restless, people around you may annoy you, You find them dull and dim, or stupid. quite a bit more, but you get the idea.

        then you dive into deep depression?

      • Yeah, I do get annoyed with other people sometimes because they can’t keep up, but I never let them know I get annoyed. I crash into depression like a jump jet ploughing into the earth at 5G.

      • so this is stuff you need to talk to the psychologist about. Write it down, if you can plot when you have been high and when low, for how long. Describe how you felt during the highs and lows, what you did, let them read it, it will speed things up a lot.

      • Thank you 🙂 I will try and write them down ready for the psychologist on Tuesday.

      • writing things down before the first appointment or any appointment is helpful. Sometimes you forget, or become nervous or clam up. The more information you provide the better. concerns, facts.. everything. Dont hold back, all the psychologist has to work with is what you say.. we don’t have a diagnostic port where something can be plugged in to gather data. 🙂

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