Phobia.

Ok. so I have a fucking phobia on top of everything else.

Men terrify me now.

Any man I met before I remembered what happened to me is ok, they are safe from this because I know them. They remain my trusted friends.

But I can’t take having men in my house now.

The gas man came to read the meter- a perfectly nice guy, chatting away, completely normal. He waited for me to let him in, was pleasant, smiled, and left with a cheery goodbye.

The entire time he was in my house, I was on edge. I was jittery as fuck. I stood there, fists clenched, chattering back on autopilot, but I was ready to run.

Where the meter is, there is also a maiden to hang washing on. It’s one on a hoist, lifted above our heads, so the hot air which rises dries the clothes quicker. It was in the way of the door, so I pulled the rope to lift it a little higher- not that it really helped. As he was standing there, I was thinking to myself, “If he comes at me, I can drop this on his head, and run whilst he’s trying to untangle himself.”

Seriously though, the guy was a genuine, pleasant, friendly working man. He was utter professional in every way. I was the one collapsing at the door, shaking and crying, then running to another room to slam the door shut and lean on it.

I am the one with the glitch in my brain.

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5 comments on “Phobia.

  1. Hi Stark,
    I completely relate to your struggles, triggers, and fear of men. I was like that, too, for years. I had ptsd from childhood traumas. I’m no therapist but it seems like you’re suffering the way ptsd-ers suffer. There is a way out of all of this. It’s not easy and it’s not quick, but you will get there. I had undiagnosed ptsd from age 13-41 then it took about 3 years to heal it. But it is possible. Hang in there! There’s a future for you that you may not be able to see right now and it’s full of joy and peace.

    • Hi Donna,
      Thank you for what you wrote- I am going to the psychologist soon, so I will be able to get a proper diagnosis, I hope. I’m really grateful for your support too. It helps to know you beat it and you’re enjoying life- I hope I can do too.

  2. A perfectly normal response, one I too shared. sigh. You will overcome it. They are not all evil. Start slow and careful, talk to them, perhaps with a table between you and them to lend you some comfort. If you can, don’t avoid being with them, it will build and strengthen, but do so in a place you are comfortable, with other friends is best too, being alone is more triggering.

    *hugs*

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