I am such a fucking idiot.
I wish I could stop this. I relapsed. I killed my butterfly, and right now I’d love to kill myself. What is the fucking point in letting down so many people when all that happens each time I pick myself up is to let them all down again?!?!!

I really don’t deserve your friendship. I am so sorry everyone. I am such a failure.

I still don’t feel numb. That’s the worst part. A friend of mine stopped me cutting any more by just being there- thank you, Y. I wish so hard I hadn’t killed my other friend’s butterfly- I’m grieving for it now.

Will I ever stop this war against myself?!!

I bloody hope so.


15 comments on “FAILURE.

  1. Scarred says:

    Stop. In the grand scheme of life, there is failure. It’s how we learn. There will come a point where you will learn to cope in a different, more positive way. Take from this whatever lesson you can and continue on. Your true friends and loved ones would want that. God knows I do, and I don’t even know you like they do. We all fail. It happens. The butterfly will be reborn. You can give it life again. Just don’t give up. You will only truly fail if you do.
    Your friend,

    • Thank you so so much for what you wrote. I want to get better so much, and it’s such a relief to know that I have this support. Thank you too for being my friend. I need friends.

      • Scarred says:

        Friends are important. Even the ones you’ve never met. You will get better. I know it. One day, we will look back at our present lives and say, “Holy shit, I lived through that?!?” and we will realize that this is just a short distance on the path of life. (clichΓ© alert)
        This really is just a moment in time. The bad times will pass. There are bad times along the path, but just keep walking. They will pass.
        If you ever need someone to talk to, drop me a line. Sometimes it’s just easier to face someone you don’t actually have to face.
        Stay well, Sweetie. You will get through this.

      • I will most definitely drop you a line, thank you for the offer. What you wrote made my day a little better, so thank you very much. I really appreciate those nuggets of wisdom.

  2. You might have to do this many times before you crack it; don’t beat yourself up. Just say, whoops, did it again, do something nice for yourself then have another go x

  3. katlwales says:

    You’re not a failure, you are just going through a horrendously difficult time and you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Recovery is a long process and it will take time to come through; but you will. Keep your head up, keep positive and remember that you’ve let nobody down. I’m sure you are an awesome person πŸ™‚

  4. eeeeps noooo not a failure. This will not be easy, and you have let no one down. Part of this is being hard on yourself, you would lend support to someone else in the same situation, so sit beside yourself and have a chat, tis ok to talk to yourself. Tell her how great she is. you will do it, it will just take some time and some self loving.

  5. theheartofatroubledmind says:

    You’re not an idiot! Many butterflies will probably come and go before you crack this but you will get there eventually, we all believe in you πŸ™‚

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