killed my last butterfly.

Yup. You guessed it. I have done what I’ve been fighting so hard against, and I’ve slipped up. It started last night- three tiny little cuts, and then again in the shower today. I am numb again.

 

I have never felt so tormented, though, about a lapse. I was so desperate not to kill that butterfly. My cousin drew it for me.

 

So… I also had a horrible sleepless night last night. I had nightmares about the time he made me go take the morning after pill, and then before I slept, I could see him. His broad back to me, sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

I was frenzied. I was aching with terror. To see that again, as if he was just going to get into bed with me and pretend I was up for it … I curled up in a tiny ball and cried, shaking so hard my teeth rattled. I had another panic attack again in the shower, my skin scrubbed raw. Nothing can erase this taint.

 

I’ve been discharged from the crisis team, and I’m still waiting for a letter from the psychologist to tell me when to come see them. I cannot last out another week without telling my parents, but I wanted the advice of the psychologist first. Now I’m not sure how I’ll go about telling them how sick I feel I when I think of him, the skin-crawling horror of my memories, the things I hear in my head. I need support, but I don’t know how to ask for it from two people who have loved me all my life. If anyone has any advice on how to break it to them, please, please let me know. I’m desperate.

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16 comments on “killed my last butterfly.

  1. Scarred says:

    I mourn the death of your butterflies. I was really cheering them on. I am sorry you have gone through all you have. But you are strong. You will carry on. I believe in you.

  2. katlwales says:

    I really hope you manage to talk to your parents about it. I understand how incredibly hard that must feel but you need their support and they need to know. It will be a relief for you once you do.

    • Thank you very much… I know it’s hard, but I know I also have to do it. I wish it was easy to just sit them down and say it, but I think I need to have some time with them coz I will go to pieces.

  3. kk, so I am poking through your blog a bit.

    We share something, an event. Stark it is not your fault, was not your fault, do not feel guilt please. How to tell your parents, and should you. *nods* yes. The stress and pressure you are feeling is building, let it out.

    so how to do it with out breaking down.. or becoming angry, or just not being able to face them.

    write it down, like a blog post. Can you print it out? if not put it on the screen, ask them to read it, leave the room whilst they do. Finish it off with *I need hugs*

    would you like a new butterfly? You can draw one like the one your cousin and sister gave you, and say it is a combination one from the two, and is much stronger as it has both their love in it.

    *hugs*
    Amber

    • Thank you so so much for that. I really really appreciate what you wrote… I think that is a great idea. I’ll leave them a letter to read, walk out, come back in and hopefully it will be better after I’ve told them. I really hope so. I’ll try getting them to draw me a new one- if I draw it, I think I’ll kill it straight away.
      Thank you so much.

      • Do they know about your self harm as well?

      • eeeps, I am guessing they do. sorry. it is something that can be hard for some to grasp or understand.

        Do you feel that telling them is going to knock you back? You know it may be that this bit of knowledge is something that can help them too, it will help them understand where you are at now, and give you the support you desperately need.

      • Yeah, they do know about my self harm, and are desperately trying to help me stop. I am trying to muster the strength- I want to tell them soon, but I need strength first. Thank you so much for all your comments

      • They need to understand they can not “make” you stop, you will need to do this. There are other things you can do that may substitute for cutting though. Ice cubes, tin foil, the elastic band.

        You may find you will get strength from them. It may answer some of their unasked questions or thoughts too.

        *hugs*

      • I hope they are beginning to realise that. It is met with anger by my younger sister, because she can’t understand it at all. It is met with panic by my mum, and my dad is sad and doesn’t understand why. In a way, I am so glad they don’t understand, because that means they have never known that urge. I use my bands a lot- what’s the tin foil thing?

        Thank you for understanding. They provide me with a lot of emotional strength, and as I have only just told them how bad my depression is, they are doing an amazing job, considering everything.

      • tin foil is scrunched up and used like you would a knife, but it doesn’t cut. The idea is not to press so hard or so many times that it would either. An ice cube held against your skin until it burns can work and is not long lasting.

        I did a posting on understanding self harm, you may ask them to read it, possibly it could help them. It is so hard to grasp where your mind is when the urge is so strong. The more they understand the more help they will be able to give you, and support. Which is so important. Love too, but you know that is there.

        Use your parents, your sister too, don’t shy away from being open with them, let them know the turmoil in your mind. You would help them if they asked and not feel a bit annoyed with it, so please feel the same, let them help you too.

  4. I think I am caught up now, how are you now?

  5. Howisbradley says:

    I think you need to talk with your psychologist first. Maybe you can do “bookending” them. Meaning, call them just before the talk with your parents and then talk again immediately after. It’s helped me in several occasions.

    • I haven’t got an appointment with the psychiatrist yet, but I can ring the crisis team- they told me that I can call them any time. I will make sure I have a lot of time with my parents when I tell them, coz I have a feeling I’ll go to pieces. Thank you so much for that advice- I’ll give it a go.

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