Having such a triggered day today. Thank gods I have two new butterflies to look after. I am so desperate not to kill them- one was drawn by my cousin, the other by my sister. I’ve been snapping my band like crazy today but it’s not working as well. Maybe i need to draw on myself with red pen and see if that helps the urges fade.
Maybe I’m feeling triggered because it’s Monday and I’m back in the stress that is life. I can cope with my parents and cousins and sister and aunts around me, coz they distract me from my panic attacks, the resumed flood of emotions that are now plaguing me.
I’m worried about telling my parents I was raped. I know what my cousin Tom will get like – he’ll want to beat the crap out of my ex – so I’m trying to picture what my parents will be like. I know my mum will blame herself. My dad will get angry with him but be the perfect gentleman to me, as he always is, offering me a shoulder to cry on and someone to sound off to. My sister will get angry and want me to go to the police, but that’s what I’m most afraid of.
Imagine the most manipulative person you have ever met. Now imagine them being under your skin, so close to you that every word they say is gospel to you. Now picture an acrimonious breakup, and two years of not speaking. Put that person in a courtroom, opposite you, with all their manipulative skill, their fake injured pride, their butter-wouldn’t-melt attitude, and all the fear and guilt that goes with you seeing them again. Now charge them with rape, stand back, and watch the fireworks.
This is why I don’t want to go to court. I’ve been in the witness stand once before, and i was frightened of the two lads that stole my phone and stalked me for an hour. I will be a wreck, in pieces, scarred and terrified. He would win, and i would be that crazy girl who exaggerates everything and is guilty of FALSE accusations. I wish this was not how it would go, but that is exactly what i can see.
Do you see now? Going to the police is no option. I will just lose, he will win again, and i will be humiliated all over again.